Goodbye 2008

The new year starts tomorrow. My present state of mind is that I will have either be pregnant or have a child by the time 2009 ends. I know it's dangerous to think that way. I still haven't learned not to get my hopes up. I felt the same way a year ago about 2008 and it didn't happen. I could very well be in the same childless situation a year from now (except more battered, cynical, and wise.)

I can't help it though. I still have hope. I still have certainty that this baby thing will happen for me. I try not to admit it to myself, and I certainly don't say it out loud, but the hope and certainty are still there.

I never thought...

I never thought that I would have problems getting pregnant.
I never thought that I would have a miscarriage.
I never thought that I would check my cervical mucus.
I never thought that I would check my cervical mucus in a bathroom stall at work.
I never thought that I would go to a male "lady doctor".
I never thought that I would get sick of having sex with my husband.
I never thought that I would tell my husband to masturbate and just call me in for the "finale".
I never thought that I would cry at work.
I never thought that I would do IVF.
I never thought that I would get a shot in a fitting room at Target while shopping the day after Thanksgiving.
I never thought that I would get fertility drugs as a birthday present.
I never thought that my husband would turn forty before we had a baby.

I STILL think that I will get pregnant and have a healthy baby some day.

The Why Project

OK so I'm infertile, in my thirties, and live in the suburbs. Just to be even more cliche, I also scrapbook. Of course, I don't have a kid to scrapbook about so I really don't fit in with the cropping crowd at the local scrapbook store. (Actually that's unfair to say since I've never been, but I can imagine.) I've decided to scrapbook a diary for 2009. I feel like this could be a stressful year and I need an outlet. Here's the first page...

Looking for AF

Infertility can be a real mind fuck. I’ve spent the last year and a half hoping and praying that my period doesn’t come. Now I’m like a high school cheerleader three weeks after prom, praying for my period to start.

I haven’t had my period since the middle of November. That might not sound like much time to some, but I am a very regular 28 day girl, and I have the charts to prove it. Even though we haven’t even discussed my next IVF cycle with my doctor, I know this is one milestone I have to reach before I can move on. When, when when will my period start?

I’m back to the doctor’s tomorrow. Another flipping ultrasound and more blood work. I think all doctors should institute a punch card system ala Subway. Nine ultrasounds and your tenth is free!!! Please, please, please let me have made some progress toward getting back to normal.

Husbands Suck

OK, I have to rant a little about my husband. Let me preface this by saying that I love my husband more than anyone else in the world and he is a very good husband. But he is definitely not romantic. I don't have a touching engagement story. There were no sentimental moments on our wedding day. He simply does not have that gene and most times I am fine with that.

Generally we do not exchange Christmas presents, mostly because we are too practical. We are like a lot of people and if we want something, we buy it. The things we don't buy, the things that we would want as gifts, we cannot afford. This year we went on a vacation to NYC for Christmas, and I don't know why, but I really thought that he would surprise me with a special present. It just seemed like such an appropriate thing for him to do after all I have been through this year.

Now let's discuss this for a minute. My husband has been very supportive during this IVF journey. He goes to appointments with me, he gives me all my shots, and he babies me when I don't feel well. (However, I do have to admit that after every shot he has an annoying habit of saying, "That wasn't so bad," to which I always respond, "OK, then let's do you now.") Also, this has been difficult for him to deal with emotionally.

But let's face it...I think this whole IVF thing is so much harder for the woman. I am dealing with emotional and physical issues. I have to take the time off work to go to countless doctors appointments. I'm the one who has had all sorts of instruments, dyes, solutions, and probes shoved up my vagina. I'm the one who has been getting shots everyday for over a month now. I'm the one on the hormones.

Maybe I'm selfish, but I just thought that giving me a special Christmas present this year would be a nice way for him to acknowledge and thank me for all I have been through. Because mostly that is what I am looking for from him, and that is what I feel I am missing; acknowledgement and thanks.

Frustration

I am so annoyed. I had an appointment today and I am still not really recovering from my OHSS. I am supposed to be leaving for vacation today and now my RE has me very freaked out about even going. All I want to hear is that I am getting better and I can move on to my next cycle. Now I am concerned if there will even be a next cycle, and I am too scared to ask. I am too scared that I they will tell me that I'm no longer a good candidate for IVF. With my husbands issues I feel that IVF is our only option.

Plus, we are supposed to be going to NYC and Chicago and the weather is not cooperating. I guess nothing is going right this year. I am so ready for 2009!

My Funniest IF Moment

So, I just have to get this story out. My RE is an older gentleman, the archetypal grandpa. He is forever starting inane conversations about stuff I could care less about, especially since I am generally in a hurry to get back to work. So I’m sitting up on the table waiting for an ultrasound. He comes in, puts the condom on the probe (no love with no glove, right? ) and lubes it up. All the while he talking about the unseasonably cold weather and how it was much colder in Chicago where he grew up. So while he’s talking he shaking this thing (which let’s face it, is just a high tech dildo) and using it to gesture and make points. I felt like I was on candid camera. It was so bizarre.

So hubby and I are off to NYC and Chicago for Christmas. I hope the weather is not too bad.