The Jinx

Let’s turn back the sands of time to the baseline ultrasound appointment before my “take two” IVF. Hubby and I were doing our regular morning routine, bantering back and forth as we battled over the one sink in our bathroom. The subject of my baseline ultrasound came up and my husband said, “Well, try not to get cancelled today.”

An innocent sarcastic comment, one of a hundred sarcastic comments we make to each other each day.

Those of you who have been playing along know that my IVF cycle was indeed cancelled that day. I thought I had brow beaten my husband enough for jinxing me before that appointment. But apparently not, because HE DID IT AGAIN!!!

Yesterday we were discussing prospective weekend plans, playing the how-to-do-IVF-and-still-have-a-life-game. Our anniversary is June 4th and my husband surprised me by booking a hotel room (actually a tree house hotel room) for a weekend get-away. If IVF “take three” goes to plan, we will go away for the weekend a day or two after our transfer. However, if the IVF calendar starts slipping, we will be having an embryo transfer instead of a weekend get-away (but I’ll get over it). And that’s when he said it. He said, “It doesn’t really matter, you’ll be cancelled by then anyway.”

WTF. Jinxed again. Finished before I have even started.

So what do I do now…walk around a pole backwards three times? Clip my toenails and bury them in the garden under a full moon? Tape my husband’s mouth shut and dip his testicles into cold water?

I’m really not a superstitious person, but I was seriously annoyed.

Through the Turnstile

We all know that IVF can be a rollercoaster. I've spent the last two months winding through the gates while waiting in line to get on "the big ride". Today I'm finally going through the turnstile choosing my seat and pulling the bar across my lap that will keep me in the car. Today is my last BCP (forever?). Today is my last day at 10 units of lupron.

Tommorow I drop to 5 units of lupron and wait for my period. Thus far, I have had very few lupron symptoms. I have felt tired, but that is about it. In a way this is good, in a way I am concerned that the lupron is not doing its job. Poor little drug, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Next milestone: Baseline.

The M Day

I don't remember birthdays. I have to think to remember my anniversary date. In fact, I have a hard time remembering numbers in general; dates, phone numbers, zip codes... I haven't used an ATM in years because I can't remember my PIN. (I must have killed that part of my brain in college.)

But this post isn't about my learning disbilities or college drinking etc. This post is about dates. One date specifically. Quite honestly if I didn't read blogs I wouldn't even know that this weekend is Mother's Day. I also am missing the gene that makes a big deal out of holidays such as Mother's Day as evidenced by the following conversation with my mother. (I don't think this is a selfish thing. I also don't make a big deal out of my own birthday.)

Mother: Your Aunt K is meeting your grandmother in Iowa this weekend and I'm wondering if I should go.

Me: That sounds fun. You should go, but I'm not. That's way too far to drive for a weekend and I have to work Monday.

Mother: Well, I was wondering if you were planning on coming to visit me this weekend.

[Confused for a moment, but then I put the pieces together and realize that this weekend is Mother's Day.]

Me: Oh, well, I guess I can come visit. Do you want me to?

I'm not going to visit my mother. We decided that she should go and be with my brother and her mother and we could celebrate Mother's Day another time.

So I will be at home tomorrow, treating Mother's Day like any other Sunday which is just fine with me. I hope that you get to do the same thing!!!

Syringe - O - Rama

My IVF nurse and I went through all my leftover medications while deciding what prescriptions to call in. I had lupron, but no syringes. I had Repronex, but no syringes. I left her office with this...

...a big ass bag of syringes. I hope hope hope I don't end up using all of these.

The score so far: Injections 86, Eggs Retrieved 0.

Tomorrow is my first lupron injection. The *real* start of this cycle.

Third time's a charm?

OR

Three strikes you're out?

Soon we will know.

The Twins Are Here!!!

They arrived on Saturday (see poorly taken picture above), a little lighter than the picture I had in my mind's eye based on the swatch of fabric I chose. A sort of catch twenty-two as this is truly the color of sofas I wanted, but I chose a darker color (I thought) to be more child friendly. You can read more about my adult house in this issue of Exhale.

Now I just need a rug, coffee table, end tables, lamps, window treatments... Thus far I only have buy-in from the hubby for a rug.

These sofas are more than just furniture. They represent a fantasy. In this fantasy I no longer have to do all the driving to see my family. Instead family and friends are drawn to my house by the magnetic properties of my new baby. I will sit on these sofas visiting with family as the new baby gets passed from one person to the next. The sofa bed will be pulled out at night as everyone will want to spend the night. In the morning I will make brunch; fresh fruit, eggs, cinnamon rolls, and orange juice served in a glass pitcher rather than an unattractive cardboard container.

Of course reality will be something else entirely.

I have convinced myself that I "needed" this furniture so that my family would have a place to converse while admiring my baby, a place where all furniture was not pointed at the television. This is the "Field of Dreams" approach to conceiving a child. If you build it, he will come. The success rate of this approach is not as high, but at least you are left with something nice to look at.

A Life More Grey

I'm usually at work at seven so this is past my bedtime and I can't sleep. Here's the thought keeping me up tonight...


I find that as I get older my life is turning more grey. I'm not talking about my hair (although whoever told me that redheads go grey early was right. I've been hitting the dye bottle since I was twenty-five). Rather my life is turning more grey as opposed to black and white.

Black and white Megan had very defined ideas about starting a family. Cliched ideas about "letting nature take its course" and "what's meant to be is meant to be". I remember saying of IVF, "I would never do that. If it comes to that I just won't be a mother." Of course when it became clear that the course nature was taking would end with me NOT being a mother, those ideas started to grey.

For black and white Megan adoption was not an option. Adoption didn't seem like the right way for me to start a family. I remember saying of adoption, "I would never do that. If it comes to that I just won't be a mother." Of course when my fertility treatments started going off plan, this idea also started to grey.

My life has greyed in other non-infertility related areas as well. I really enjoy this part of getting older. I am less enamored of my wrinkles and my inability to bounce back after a night of drinking. I equate the greying of my life with gaining experience, gaining knowledge, gaining wisdom. I like to reflect on my old "rules" for how to live life. I'm amused at how many of those rules have gone straight out the window. It makes me wonder which rules are next on the chopping block.

Look What I Did

Disclaimer: This post has absolutely nothing to do with infertility, babies, or my angst.

I haven't sewed for over fifteen years, since junior high. I borrowed my mother's sewing machine a couple months ago. Then I found this cute pattern on the internet. And I was looking for something to do this weekend. So I made this...

I cannot believe how great it turned out and how easy it was (seriously). I only had one snafu when I sewed two pieces together the wrong way. I then had to run to the store for a seem ripper (how arrogant of me not to purchase one when I bought the fabric). I tore the fabric apart carefully and then proceeded to pin it together the wrong way again. Thankfully I noticed that I had done this right before I sewed it incorrectly again.

I'm sending this bag to my sister. If you knew her you would know that this is totally her style. I had "sew" much fun making this (I'm so giddy I'm making bad puns) that I might just make one next weekend too. Although next time I think I am going to skip the buttons and sew ribbon around the top.

Thanks for indulging me in sharing my weekend accomplishment. Now go back to being infertile.