Right now I have two cards in my purse. They are both for my husband. The first one is a card I gave my husband on the day we finally made it to embryo transfer after two cancelled IVFs and one IVF resulting in no embryos to transfer. Inside I wrote, “No matter what happens…today we are a mommy and a daddy with the same hopes and dreams for our children that any parent has. Love, your baby girl (but hopefully not your only baby for long).” The day he opened it, he put it in my purse to take home and it hasn’t left since.
I can’t bear to throw it out. We were so happy that day. So hope filled. It was one of the best days of my life. But what do you do with a card like that? Where do you keep it?
The second card is a Father’s Day card I bought several weeks ago. It has a picture of a golden retriever on the front and I wrote a cute message from Bo inside. I have to admit that this card is slightly passive aggressive. Tony isn’t ready to say that he will ever want to pursue parenthood again (whatever that would mean). I’m not ready to say that I want to accept child free living for the rest of my life. We are in limbo. This is OK right now.
I bought the card in a small way to remind him that fatherhood is out there. I bought the card because I want a card from him saying, “When we are healed from the disappointment of five failed attempts at IVF, when we are ready, we’ll do whatever it takes to become parents…if that’s what we decide we want to do.”
I’ve happily carried this Father’s Day card around for weeks, ready to launch my passive aggressive assault.
But then earlier this week I reminded Tony (in a totally innocent, non-passive aggressive way…for real. I have no problem admitting when I’m being passive aggressive.) that Bo needed to go to day camp on Friday for the dog Father’s Day party. (I know Liz…we do some crazy crap for our dogs here in the States, but I hate for Bo to miss a party.) Tony was less than enthusiastic and snarked back something to the effect that he didn’t need to participate in some dumb dog Father’s Day party.
I’m so stupid. Why would I think that he needs a card (even one disguised as a cute message from our pup) to be reminded that he’s not a father? I know how he feels. On Mother’s Day my aunt sent an email to all the women in the family wishing everyone a happy day. She addressed it to everyone whether a mother, an aunt, a cousin, or a puppy mom. I wasn’t the only non-mom recipient of the email. She’s a non-mom herself. I felt conflicted though. On one hand I was happy to be included, but on the other hand I felt like the girl invited to the party by default because someone’s parent said that the whole class had to be invited.
And so, I think we will ignore Father’s Day this year. Both of our fathers have passed away. Tony’s not a father. We’ll just continue to celebrate each other as a loving couple with a fabulous dog, and eventually our ideas about parenthood will come together with time.
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20 comments:
You're a loving couple with a fabulous dog who are both affected by the struggle to become parents. It always makes me feel less alone when my husband admits to some hurt regarding our lost pregnancies. I don't know if you're the same, but I tend to forget that he shares my disappointments as well as my joys.
Totally...my husband is a typical man who doesn't share his feelings...sometimes I forget they are there.
I think you should give him the card with a beautiful breakfast of French Toast and Bacon from the dog. That's what I am doing. At the end of the day, he is the pup's pappa and giving him a day of treats may help him feel less sad.
I give my dh a card on Father's Day & he gets to pick the day's activities. My dad is a two-hour plane ride away & his is not big on Hallmark holidays, so we usually just give him a card & visit around that time & he's happy. Thank goodness.
I have a hatbox where I keep the (not many) mementos from my pregnancy & its aftermath, including our Father's & Mother's Day cards to each othher. Just a suggestion. But you keep that card in your purse for as long as you want to!! : )
Megan, This is a lovely, sad post. All of your thoughts on the matter make sense and it sounds like you are being a very sensitive (not passive aggressive!) wife during some difficult days. Despite our lovely boxer Moxie, we willfully ignore mother's day and father's day for ourselves, instead pretending that it only exists to honor OUR parents. I tend to bow out of all the group mother's day activities because I just can't stand them. You're right that it's a double edged sword to be included in these things.
Maybe celebrate Bo's presence with you another day? With a non-father's/mother's day card?
Thinking of you.
We'll probably end up ignoring father's day this year too.
These two back to back holidays are crappy. Whatever you decide to do I am sure that it will be the best thing. Sometimes just letting it pass without any formal "to-do" is good for me.
www.infertilityinstability.blogspot.com
I get wanting to do something for F Day (and wanting to get your messaging out there) but it sounds like he does have the idea. So, your thinking sounds sensible to me. Sigh. It makes me feel better AND worse that my DH takes this hard, too (though not quite as hard as I do).
I saved all the cards I received during our IVFs. We also save all our anniversary and birthday cards because we make them for each other and they're usually pretty hilarious. So maybe save the first one--one day it won't be quite so painful but maybe will be a nice reminder of two people who loved each other so so much they were willing to go through a helluva lot to make a baby together.
We're ignoring Father's Day too--even though we're pursuing other parenting options as my DH always says, "there are no children in this house yet" so we're still just a loving couple with a couple of fabulous dogs :)
Oh yeah, and one less-than-fabulous cat.
Thinking of you.
I take the piss out of the dog treat thing but I do get it really. (Almost).
xx
I was surprised at how well I handled Mothers Day this year, but apparently it has caught up to me and Fathers Day has become something of a struggle. I wrote a post about discovering "to my husband on Fathers Day" cards at target. I actually bought one and panicked for a while wondering what in the heck I was thinking. (Why would he want a card like that? Would it hurt him? and so on) I finally decided that I am going to give it to him. It is what I need, and I think that it is important to recognize the pain that he must feel in all of this too. I love him no matter what. and that is what i want the card to say.
I am sure that you will figure out what is right for you and your family. and I hope that you are able to honor your instincts to honor him.
I really like LastChance's idea of saving the card for a better day. Nice. And almost a promise of a better future to come.
Mo
Being a fabulous couple with an adorable dog is still pretty cool, he'll come around it's good not to rush him--I know when I try to rush my DH I get nowhere! Hugs to you these fake holidays suck almost as much as the real one!
i was just flipping through random blogs and i stumbled across yours. very touching story, definitely tugs on the heart. i wish you so much luck in the future! I hope your husband comes back around :) and nothing wrong with dog mommies! I'm a guinea pig mommy!
I love this post because it's so honest and reflective of our own lives with our dogs. We were watching CBS Sunday Morning when a commentator said "What's an adult without a kid?". I looked at dh and said "Well, that's great. He just confirmed that our lives suck because we aren't parents."
I love this post because it's so honest and reflective of our own lives with our dogs. We were watching CBS Sunday Morning when a commentator said "What's an adult without a kid?". I looked at dh and said "Well, that's great. He just confirmed that our lives suck because we aren't parents."
I loved this post even though it made me cry a bit. It's just so honest and open. I love my dog and think of him as my baby..not human baby obviously, but my baby. But, he doesn't replace that need I have for a baby. Mother's Day and Father's Day are tough days for those of us without kids. ((HUGS))
i've been thinking a lot about this post. i wasn't sure how to comment specifically....but wanted to give you a big hug!
I remember being very upset and angry one Mother's Day and my own mother saying that I should allow women who had children their dues. My reaction was that they already had the best reward and present they could get - their children - and what was there for people like me who had no children? There wasn't really an answer for that. I wish there was some kind of recognition for those men and women who have struggled long and hard to be parents but aren't.
wonderful....
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