Bottoms Off And On The Table

I Hate Christmas

2011-12-28T20:10:00.000-06:00

I decided not to post anything about the holidays before the holidays because I didn't want to further bum anyone out who was already kinda bummed out.

I hate Christmas.

Well, maybe I don't hate it, I just don't care for it. Christmas is just....meh. Why?

I have no children. This is stating the obvious. Christmas is such a child centric holiday and I just feel left out most of the time. I also have no nieces or nephews to dote on (although I'm still unsure if I will be able to muster the grace to dote on nieces or nephews when that time comes)

I don't get any presents. My family has evolved from presents to trading names to trading gift cards to nothing. We decided that spending time together was more important than gifts. The only problem is that we forgot that we really don't enjoy each other's company that much.

I hate the coworker-gift-dance-of-awkwardness. It's obvious to me that some folks enjoy buying gifts for their coworkers. I'm just not into it. If you get me a gift, then I have to run out and get you a gift. I hate it when someone gives me a gift and I haven't gotten them anything. Gift giving at the office is like orgasms. It's best when it happens simultaneously.

I think that the best I can say about the holidays is that they are over and I survived. I hope you did too!

thoughts on hope

2011-12-16T07:20:00.000-06:00

On the way to work several months ago I was listening to NPR. The story was about a man whose family was exiled from Libya in the seventies. In exile his father was arrested by Egyptian intelligence officers and extradited back to Libya. He and his family are pretty sure that his father is dead after all these years, but don't really have definitive prove if he is alive or dead.

So he always lives with a bit of hope.

The man went on to say that he was once in Ireland and met a woman whose father was lost at sea decades ago and never seen again, presumed (but not confirmed) dead. He felt as though he had a shared experience with this woman. They understood each other.

She always lives with a bit of hope too.

He went on to describe the misery of hope. Generally we think of hope as a good thing.

All hope is not lost.

As long as you still have hope...

Keep hope alive.

But hope can be a bad thing too. Hope can prevent you from moving on. Hope can prevent you from having closure.

If you are still reading here, I am still alive. I am healing and moving on with my life post-fertility treatments. I still have hope.

More to come...

Liz

2011-03-21T21:45:00.000-05:00

I've been reading Liz's blog since I started blogging. (One of two blogs that I have been reading for years with a writer still writing and still without child.) It took her years just to get to IVF number one and it didn't work.

It's not fair and there are no words except, I'm so sorry.

be IN

2011-02-06T18:30:00.001-06:00

I AM INfertile...

But I am so much more "IN" than that...

I’ve been tested. I’ve been probed. I’ve been injected. I’ve missed work for appointments. I’ve researched. I’ve asked questions. I’ve worried. I’ve made phone calls. I’ve prioritized...

I AM INcessant...

I’ve gone to baby showers. I’ve smiled at other‘s “big news“. I’ve purchased baby gifts. I’ve babysat. I’ve missed chances. I’ve lost sleep. I’ve lost hope. I’ve lost embryos. I’ve lost babies...

I AM INdestructible...

I might be a mother. I might not be a mother. I might come to terms. I might never quit. I will survive...

I AM INvincible...

I am INfertile. I am INcessant. I am INdestructible. I am INvincible. I am IN.

Get the badge at the right that links to this post. Be IN.

Emails from the Subconscious

2011-01-20T12:52:00.000-06:00

Every once in awhile I get an email from my husband that goes something like this:

To: Wife
From: Husband
Subject: [Blank]

Great. A new school year and three women came back pregnant from summer break.

Or

To: Wife
From: Husband
Subject: [Blank]

I’m so sick of seeing people’s baby and grandbaby pictures.

It’s hard for me to believe that these emails are even coming from him. I imagine that he’s sitting in his office in some sort of trance and his subconscious starts directing his fingers to type out these little messages. His brain (or heart?) is sending me little subliminal electronic clues…”We’re hurting, Megan. We just wanted to let you know.” My husband keeps his hurt concealed. As much as I prod and ask leading questions, he has yet to tell me face to face, heart to heart, how much pain he is in.

There are other clues too. Several months ago I went to the emergency room with a gall bladder attack. I was lying on a bed in a makeshift curtained off room in agonizing pain. A nurse came in to draw some blood and left. As soon as she left I heard my husband say under his breath, “bitch”. Now my husband and I are huge potty mouths. We curse a lot in the privacy of our own home (really no reason not to), but hubby is not generally in the habit of randomly calling women offensive names. I asked him what happened and he responded, “Didn’t you see? She’s pregnant.”

Well, I’m not proud of it or anything, but I’ve certainly thought the same thing in my head as I see random pregnant women walking about or random skinny women walking about for that matter. However, I generally keep those thoughts to myself. After all, it’s not nice.

It’s almost like the pain that he works so hard to keep inside bubbles up every once in awhile and he just can’t keep it in. It bubbles up enough to remind me that I’m not in this alone. It bubbles up enough to let me know that he’s not as OK as he’d like me to believe. It bubbles up enough to make me wonder if he will ever be OK.

Goodbye Hello

2011-01-01T15:29:00.000-06:00

So I'm a little late for the end of the year wrap up, but if you'll indulge me I'll post a bit of a goodbye to 2010 before I say hello to 2011.

Mostly when I think of this past year I can't believe it all happened. All the doctor's appointments, shots, acupuncture appointments, and trips to the pharmacy have become foreign to me again. I find myself thinking about the "treatment time" in my life with a sense of wonder. Did that just happen? Did I really do all that? Was that really my life?

It's funny what some time and distance will do for the mind. However, while I can say that time has healed some of my wounds from treatments; it has not healed my longing for a child.

So I would like this video to represent closure, but obviously I still can't stop leaving that question mark at the end.

That's the good bye to 2010. Now on to the hello.

I have caught resolution fever pretty bad this year. I am usually not one for resolutions, but I feel like I let this past year happen to me. I didn't feel like an active participant in my life. So I am resolving to do more living and get more done.

That means a lot of things; getting healthier, being more engaged at work, getting my house organized, and spending more time on creative endeavors. There has to be more to life than working and watching TV.

I kept an art journal in 2009 documenting my infertility treatments. I kept no journal in 2010. This year I intend to keep a "goal journal" to hold myself accountable to my goals and document my progress. It will probably be a bit artsy again.

In other news, I'm happy to announce that we have added another member to our family. A rescued golden retriever puppy who came to us just before Christmas. We named him Lou. After a few days of being bitter, Bo has turned into a great big brother.

I wish everyone a happy new year. I hope to be posting more as I think I am going to have a lot more to say...

How does it feel to be infertile?

2010-10-31T17:45:00.000-05:00

I've never been asked by a fertile person how it feels to be infertile. No infertile person has ever had to ask how it feels. However, I have often found myself wondering if I could explain to a fertile person how infertility feels.

It's so abstract. I won't die from this disease. I've not lost any limbs. I don't have any visible scars. In my own case I've not lost anything tangible really. I've lost clusters of cells, even my one miscarriage was a blighted ovum; a non baby.

The only way I can describe how being infertile feels is to equate it to what I imagine it would be like to love a child...

Infertility feels like loving a child...but the exact opposite.

I imagine that when a child is born the parents feel overwhelming feelings of joy, pride, happiness, and love. I'm sure it is indescribable. I'm sure it is emotionally debilitating, makes you reevaluate your life, makes you change your life for the better.

Infertility has made me feel that way too...but the exact opposite.

I imagine that when you are a parent the love you have for your child permeates your life in all sorts of little ways. I'm sure that sometimes that love catches you off guard in little moments. You remember your love when you see a picture, hear a comment, or smell a scent. I imagine that love for a child is like a pleasant whisper throughout the day.

Infertility has made me feel that way too...but the exact opposite.

I'm sure that everyday as a parent is not good. Just as everyday without children is not bad.

However, if a fertile person ever thinks to ask me how it feels to be infertile; if a fertile person ever wants to understand; I would tell them to think of all the intense love they have for their child, all the little ways that being a parent makes them happy. I imagine the intensity of feeling is the same.

But where they have love I have bitterness.
But where they have hope I have despair.
But where they have peace I have heartbreak.

And just as a parent will always be a parent. I will always be infertile.

The Innocence of When

2010-10-17T14:44:00.001-05:00

Saturday I was shopping at Pottery Barn. As the cashier rang up my overpriced candles a young girl came to the counter, gift card in hand. She asked the cashier, "Can you see if there is a balance on this? I got it for my wedding and I can't remember if I spent it." The cashier checked and told her that she had $100 balance. "Can you use this card at Pottery Barn Kids too? It doesn't expire, right?" she asked. The cashier affirmed that she could and it wouldn't.

At this point the young girl turned to her friend and said, "I think I'll just wait and use this when I get pregnant."

I bristled inside. "When I get pregnant.... When I get pregnant... When I get pregnant..." The words rang in my ears all day. Part of me wanted to tell her, "Yeah right. It might not be that easy." But another part of me realized that for her it probably would be that easy. "When I get pregnant" is the world that most people live in. Most people can save their Pottery Barn gift cards received as wedding gifts and use them at Pottery Barn Kids a few years later.

I remember living in the world of "when". In that world I saved money for nursery furniture. In that world I prepared monthly budgets that included daycare, diapers, and formula. In that world I picked out baby names and worried about how I would feel when Tony was home with the baby on summer break while I went to work. I clung to "when" for a long time. Even after starting IVF I still spoke in "when" terms as if the force of my will could get me pregnant.

Eventually "when" slipped away and became "if". I couldn't plan a vacation that I might not enjoy if I got pregnant. I couldn't buy adult furniture for the "nursery" because where would I put it if I got pregnant? Changing from "when" to "if" was incredibly painful. Hope was slipping away.

Thinking of this yesterday made me wonder where I am today. I am a long way from "when" obviously. If "when" were a location on Earth it would be midnight there when it is noon here. But I also realized that I am moving away from "if" as well. I don't plan for "if I get pregnant" anymore. This is a good thing. I'm living my life. This is also a sad thing.

And I'm not quite sure what it means.

The Joneses

2010-10-10T13:55:00.000-05:00

If you have curly hair, you want straight hair. If you have straight hair (all together now) you want curly hair. I happen to have naturally curly hair. Sometimes I want straight hair, but mostly I am OK with my curls.

My mother is an incredibly jealous person. She is focused on what others have that she does not have. She is constantly questioning what people had to do to get what they have and always condemning people for getting more. Don't they have enough?!?!?! In ways this has jealousy ruined my mother's life. It impacted my life as well. Growing up, sometimes I wasn't allowed to invite friends to the house if their house was nicer than ours.

I really try to control jealousy in my own life. My philosophy is that everyone's life has happiness and sadness. Some people might hide the sadness and all you see is the happiness, but it is still there.

Infertility really tests this theory of mine, but even when a friend of mine's first IVF worked while my third IVF failed I could recognize that her life was not perfect. She had a successful pregnancy. She also had a husband with a lot of baggage (including troubled children) from a previous marriage. She had a town house that was underwater and she could not sell. She had a pink slip from her job and no prospects for a new job in this economy. Yes, her IVF was successful, but I wasn't volunteering to trade places with her.

When I posted that I was becoming a workaholic I didn't tell the whole story. At the time I was up for a promotion; an amazing promotion to a role for which I am unqualified, too young, too inexperienced, and for which there were many other more experienced candidates.

I got it.

I received many heartfelt congratulations from colleagues, but I could see the jealousy in some people's eyes. I could see the questioning. "Why is she in that job? Why does she get all the breaks? Why? Why? Why?" I understand their questioning. I have had some amazing career opportunites. I have been lucky to be at the right place at the right time.

I wanted to answer the unasked questions I saw in their eyes. I felt like saying, "Thanks for the congratulations. I'm not as lucky as you think. I can't have children. If I could have children I probably wouldn't have even applied for this job. I would give up this promotion in a second if I could go back and have a successful IVF. Don't envy me."

I definately have my moments when I wonder why. Why did I have to lose my father just when our relationship was starting to mature and bloom? Why did I have to move in junior high; the worst time for a girl to move and change schools? Why did I have to pay for my own first car, my own college education, my own wedding? And why oh why have I been afflicted with this fucking disease called infertility???

My life has sadness. I also have blessings. We all do. We just have to recognize them.

The Ovary Monologues

2010-10-07T06:10:00.000-05:00

No one has ever really asked me where I came up with the name of this blog. It's not my name. I didn't make it up. Early in my career as an infertile there was one particular nurse who would show me to the exam room and say, "You know the drill; bottoms off and on the table." It stuck with me. She was so nonchalant about the whole thing; the whole thing being showing your vagina to a stranger. Of course eventually taking my pants off because the normal course of business. I almost absentmindedly disrobed at the dentist office once.

If I had to rename my blog today I would call it "The Ovary Monologues." Of course when this blog started I didn't know that my ovaries would cause so much trouble. I didn't think of my ovaries much at all. In sixth grade I learned about them in a sex education class. Over the years I didn't think of them much after that. I thought about my uterus when I had cramps or when I imagined a baby inside. I thought about my vagina (no comments there). My ovaries were ignored. Totally neglected. Abandoned. Overlooked. A non thought.

I remember the first time I saw them. They were bountiful and luscious and full of follicles. I was so proud. Then I found out they were too bountiful, too luscious, and my cycle was cancelled. I was disappointed, but still proud.

Shortly there after everything changed. My ovaries failed me. They failed to produce the proper quantity of follicles. They failed to produce the proper quality of eggs.

They

failed

me.

It was a total blindside. These little thought of organs suddenly took center stage. They were ruining my life.

I haven't seen my ovaries for months now. I'm making peace with them. They just couldn't do what I wanted them to do. That's just the way it is.

Is This Blog Dead?

2010-09-01T19:07:00.000-05:00

Why do infertility bloggers stop blogging?

Scenario A: They have a baby and move on.
Scenario B: They give up on having a baby and move on.

So where have I been? Do either of these scenarios apply to me? Well, "Scenario A" definitely does not apply. No baby here, that hasn't changed. Does "Scenario B" apply? Not really. I still hear the whisper. I still think about my lack of babyhood daily. I still think about this blog almost daily. I still compose posts in my head while I drive, while I walk, while I work. For some reason I just haven't been able to put fingers to keyboard and get my thoughts digitized.

Work has been incredibly busy. Twelve hour days and working on the weekend has become the "new normal" for me. Lately at work I have wondered how the hell I did my job and IVF at the same time. Right now I can't imagine fitting appointments, mood swings, bloating, and general-icky-feeling-ness into my very full work day.

I control how busy I am at work to some extent. I control how much I delegate and how much I do myself. I can influence what projects I chose to take on. I can manage the expectations of my boss which determines how hard I push myself and my team. So I wonder how much of my work busy-ness is a self imposed coping mechanism.

Between you, me, and anyone that reads this blog, when I was doing IVF I definitely did not work hard. My IVF work days went something like this:

7:00 - 9:00 Google, Read blogs, or Write a blog post
9:00 - 11:00 Finish the things that ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO GET DONE to prevent losing my job
11:00 - 1:00 Doctor's Appointments, Run to Wholefoods for supplements, or Phone call to pharmacy and/or insurance company
1:00-3:00 Find someone to gossip with, maybe do more work, obsess over possibly losing job
3:00-4:00 Stare at clock until 4 (which is the earliest acceptable time to go home)
***Sprinkle in meetings as necessary

So what gives now? Am I paying for my previously lax schedule? Is it guilt for previously wasting company time? Am I trying to fill my days with something more productive? Coming from a Midwestern blue collar/agricultural background, hard work has been the answer to most questions. I come from a long line of workaholics. If work is the cure...then I'm on my way.

Progress

2010-07-26T21:57:00.000-05:00

When my direct report told me that his wife had a miscarriage (her third). My brain didn't scream, "AT LEAST YOU HAVE TWO KIDS!!!!". Instead it whispered, "at least you have two kids."

I consider this progress.

When I casually mentioned donor eggs to my husband (as I do about once a month, just to test the waters.) He didn't say, "Absolutely not, I don't want to discuss it." Instead he said, "Let's discuss it in a year."

I consider this progress.

Last night I had a dream...

2010-07-24T08:55:00.000-05:00

...that Tony and I were in a delivery room. I was in a hospital gown. I was pregnant and about to give birth. We were holding each other and dancing. We were both so happy.

Even in my dreamy state there was a voice in the back of my head telling 'dream Megan', "Stop dreaming this. Stop thinking this way. This isn't going to happen for you. If you keep this up it will only be painful when you wake up to reality."

But 'dream Megan' kept dreaming and the voice in the back of my head kept berating her until finally I woke up.

Bo Turns One!

2010-07-18T20:36:00.000-05:00

My "baby" is one! We celebrated with a special cookie.

See some of my favorite BoBo pics at the crafty cpa.

Six Posts for the Price of One

2010-07-08T18:29:00.001-05:00

So, I've been away for awhile...I'm not really sure why. But I'm going to try and make it up to you. Here are six mini blog posts and/or observations I've made lately.

Post No. 1: The Whisper
"Dateline Mysteries", "48 Hours Investigates", "Snapped", if its a television show about a person gettin' killed by their spouse, my husband is watching it. Disturbing? Yes, slightly. I think he watches because he likes the mystery story and not for ideas. I hope.

Several months ago Tony was watching one of those types of shows and a murder victim's father described "the whisper". I knew exactly what he was talking about. I hear the whisper too.

Let me paraphrase what he said, "I can go about my day. I can go to work. I can laugh. I can have fun. But the whisper of my child's murder is always there, and in the quiet moments of my life it is all I hear."

My whisper is infertility.

Post No 2: Infertile, Interrupted
Part of why I haven't been posting is because I haven't had many positive things to say, not that I think this space should be reserved for wine and roses. Part of me says, "This is real. This is your life. You should share no matter how depressive." Part of me says, "You really should censor yourself a bit. You gain nothing by spewing negativity into the Internet. Keep it to yourself."

I have now accepted that I am unreasonably depressed, depressed beyond the situation. It has consumed me. I intend to do something pharmaceutical about it, but while I made time for endless infertility appointments, I can't seem to find the time for this appointment.

Post No 3: Damn, I Feel Like a Woman

In April I posted about my first visit back to my gyn and my absent period. Well, I hemmed and hawed about giving the blood sample she wanted before I started the Provera that would start my period. Finally at the end of May I gave the blood sample, started the Provera and paused; nothing happened, nada, uterine crickets. After two weeks I called the gyn about my absent flow and was told that Provera could take up to ten weeks, call back after the forth of July. I'd never heard of that, but whatever...

Today, quite unexpectedly, I got my period. I know a lot of infertile women are used to irregular periods, but that was never me. I could set a clock (or maybe a calendar) by my period. No period for five months has been a little disconcerting. But now, here it is. I wonder if I have been successfully "reset" physically or if I will be irregular ever more.

Maybe I'll get reset mentally as well. Watch this space...

Post No 4: LL
Linsay Lohan's dad gives me the creeps.

Post No 5: The Two Faces of Megan
Despite the whisper, despite the depression, Tony and I have been having a very active summer. And we've started dreaming and planning again. We haven't been able to dream and plan for a long time and it feels good to stretch that part of our brains again. Most of these dreams and plans center around new landscaping, purchasing land and building a cabin, and early retirement schemes. Secretly I still want to try a donor egg cycle. Since each of these dreams and plans require money, they are somewhat mutually exclusive. I feel like I'm living two dream lives.

Post No 6: Nothing Special
My husband secretly loves the movie, "Steel Magnolias". Sometimes I walk into the family room and catch him watching it on TV. It's funny. He likes, "Mona Lisa Smile" too. I wonder if its a Julia Roberts thing, but he really doesn't watch any other of her movies. It must be a female ensemble cast thing.

So if you've seen the movie more than once, you know the line. Diabetic Shelby has just told her mother that she is happily pregnant despite the health complications involved. She says, "I'd rather have a few moments of wonderful *pause for dramatic effect* than a lifetime of nothing special."

For some reason I was thinking of this scene a few weeks ago and I thought to myself. That's going to be my life...a lifetime of nothing special. Special is a relative term, so perhaps I was being a bit melodramatic; certainly something special can happen to me in my childless lifetime. Special is anything I want to believe is special. And a lifetime of nothing special also doesn't mean a bad lifetime necessarily. But I still want to be a mom. Maybe more than I did before. Sigh.

Two Cards in my Purse

2010-06-18T08:40:00.000-05:00

Right now I have two cards in my purse. They are both for my husband. The first one is a card I gave my husband on the day we finally made it to embryo transfer after two cancelled IVFs and one IVF resulting in no embryos to transfer. Inside I wrote, “No matter what happens…today we are a mommy and a daddy with the same hopes and dreams for our children that any parent has. Love, your baby girl (but hopefully not your only baby for long).” The day he opened it, he put it in my purse to take home and it hasn’t left since.

I can’t bear to throw it out. We were so happy that day. So hope filled. It was one of the best days of my life. But what do you do with a card like that? Where do you keep it?

The second card is a Father’s Day card I bought several weeks ago. It has a picture of a golden retriever on the front and I wrote a cute message from Bo inside. I have to admit that this card is slightly passive aggressive. Tony isn’t ready to say that he will ever want to pursue parenthood again (whatever that would mean). I’m not ready to say that I want to accept child free living for the rest of my life. We are in limbo. This is OK right now.

I bought the card in a small way to remind him that fatherhood is out there. I bought the card because I want a card from him saying, “When we are healed from the disappointment of five failed attempts at IVF, when we are ready, we’ll do whatever it takes to become parents…if that’s what we decide we want to do.”

I’ve happily carried this Father’s Day card around for weeks, ready to launch my passive aggressive assault.

But then earlier this week I reminded Tony (in a totally innocent, non-passive aggressive way…for real. I have no problem admitting when I’m being passive aggressive.) that Bo needed to go to day camp on Friday for the dog Father’s Day party. (I know Liz…we do some crazy crap for our dogs here in the States, but I hate for Bo to miss a party.) Tony was less than enthusiastic and snarked back something to the effect that he didn’t need to participate in some dumb dog Father’s Day party.

I’m so stupid. Why would I think that he needs a card (even one disguised as a cute message from our pup) to be reminded that he’s not a father? I know how he feels. On Mother’s Day my aunt sent an email to all the women in the family wishing everyone a happy day. She addressed it to everyone whether a mother, an aunt, a cousin, or a puppy mom. I wasn’t the only non-mom recipient of the email. She’s a non-mom herself. I felt conflicted though. On one hand I was happy to be included, but on the other hand I felt like the girl invited to the party by default because someone’s parent said that the whole class had to be invited.

And so, I think we will ignore Father’s Day this year. Both of our fathers have passed away. Tony’s not a father. We’ll just continue to celebrate each other as a loving couple with a fabulous dog, and eventually our ideas about parenthood will come together with time.

Facebook Status Today

2010-06-11T09:00:00.000-05:00

my Facebook status today...

"The only good things in my life are my husband and my dog. Sometimes I feel incredibly lucky and sometimes I feel incredibly sad."

Do you think I'll get kicked off Facebook for admitting I'm sad?

...lots of posts rolling around in my head. I've been enjoying the great weather we've been having!

Like a virgin...

2010-06-01T13:01:00.000-05:00

...lapped for the very first time.

It's hard to believe that someone has conceived and birthed a child twice and I have nothing but plans to turn "the nursery" into my new office.

Sigh.

Where's my parade?

2010-05-17T08:00:00.002-05:00

I have two close work friends that were diagnosed with breast cancer at a young age. Between the two of them I have attended a wine and cheese party where we were encouraged to shower one friend with gifts, made a meal for another friend's family (the week before one of my IVF retrievals), contributed to a fund to pay for one friend to have her house cleaned regularly, made phone calls, sent emails, and participated in other supportive activities.

I know I shouldn't compare infertility to someone with cancer. First of all, we aren't likely to die from infertility (although it feels like it most days). And our treatments are arguably less arduous (we don't lose our hair, just our minds).

But I can't help but think that it is unfair that most of us can't even get our Facebook "friends" to acknowledge our "infertility outings" on Facebook during Infertility Awareness Week. I can't help but think that it is unfair that most of us hide our infertility and cringe when an article about our struggles appears online because we know the comments from readers will be so painful.

Why shouldn't friends and family shower us with gifts and cook us dinner when stimulation meds are making us feel sluggish?

So what do you think? Am I out of line? And if not, how do we change this? Where did we go wrong?

Shouldn't the community of womanhood band together and fight for everyone to become a mother?

a different kind of love

2010-05-02T09:15:00.008-05:00

When I was in my twenties a lady I worked with told me a story about the birth of her first child. She had endured something like twelve hours of difficult labor followed by an emergency c-section. When it was all over, baby in arms, her husband looked into her eyes and said, "I just fell in love with you all over again."

This story has haunted me lately. It's so difficult to know that I will never give my husband the gift of growing a child in my womb made of part of him and part of me. I will never give him the gift of laboring to bring that child into the world, and he will never look into my eyes and tell me that his love for me has been reborn.

*pause for sadness*

When my husband and I finally got off the treatment roller coaster I didn't recognize our marriage anymore. For a while infertility treatments made us stronger and drew us closer, but eventually the constant disappointment destroyed us. My depression grew stronger than our relationship. My husband became more and more frustrated because he could not solve this problem. He could not succeed as a husband and make me happy. I could not succeed as a wife and give him the child that I so desperately wanted to give. Infertility led to financial problems and destroyed our physical intimacy. We were broken.

I'm happy to say that we are rebuilding. I'm thrilled to report that our marriage is getting stronger. We are smiling, laughing, planning, touching, hugging, kissing, joking, and talking. We are starting to become "us" again.

But still that woman's story haunted me. Can we ever have the kind of love that two people have when they build a family together?

The answer is no. We can't have that love. We have something different. Tony and I walked through hell together. We may not have always been looking into each other's eyes while we walked, but we always held each other's hands. We did it together. Our hopes were raised together. Our souls were rocked together. Our dreams were destroyed together.

We are falling in love with each other all over again. And that love feels so special and so true. It didn't come from a place of joy where love is easy. It came from a place of despair. We had a choice and we chose us.

_____________________________________________

read about the alphabears at the crafty cpa

Money Makes the World Go Round

2010-04-27T18:00:00.000-05:00

We're broke.

OK, we're not totally broke. We still have jobs. We still pay the bills. After spending tens of thousands of dollars on infertility tests, treatments, and prescriptions over the past two years we have very little savings left.

Yes, we are on an extended (maybe forever) break from treatments. Yes, even if we had the money we would not be in treatment right now, but quite frankly even if we wanted to cycle we couldn't afford it. The well is dry. The money tree has been shoke (shooken? shaked?) to within an inch of its life.

BUT...despite our dire financial situation, we want to live. We want to do some of the things that we have been putting off. We want to travel. We want to buy stuff. We want to have fun.

BUT...I still have a nagging thought, a little voice telling me that if this desire to have a child is still with me in a year then I may want to have the option to try donor eggs. That option requires some major savings and I just don't feel like it right now.

So right now I'm spending. I'm buying new toys. And I'll worry about saving for tomorrow later.

Back in the Stirrups

2010-04-25T16:12:00.002-05:00

No, don't spit out your Sunday afternoon margarita. No IUI, no IVF, just a regular well woman exam with an extra discussion regarding my missing period (cycle day 60+ since my post failed IVF bleed). Am I the only one who has Sunday afternoon margaritas?

I've been away from my regular OBGYN long enough that she has had time to drop my insurance and pick it up again. I was really excited to "graduate" from my RE (even without the eight week old heart beating fetus in my belly that most graduates have). Another step back toward normal world.

But things didn't go as planned...

It all started down hill when the nurse insisted on a pregnancy test since I haven't had my period for sixty-plus days. She asked me if I had tested at home. I answered, "Nope." She asked if there was a chance I was pregnant. I answered, "Nope." She asked if I was using birth control. I answered, "Nope."

I could tell that she was getting excited at the opportunity to be the one to tell me that I was pregnant. So I broke the bad news to her, "I've done five IVFs and I've only had sex with my husband once in the last sixty days, so I'm sure I'm not pregnant."

I could tell she was disappointed. She hung her head and said, "Well, the doctor would have wanted me to test anyway." The test was never mentioned again. I assume it was negative.

I had to relay and relive my whole history of infertility with the doctor like two college girls catching up. I started to cry. This is not how I wanted this visit to go.

After all the boob checking and pap smearing we got around to talking about my absent period. I told her about my high FSH. She asked if I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure and I answered, "Yes." I'm not sure why I answered this way. I've never actually been told that I have POF. I'm not ready to open my medical records that I requested be mailed to me by my RE. Actually, no one has really said what is wrong with me besides the fact that I have high FSH and crap eggs. But based on my affirmative answer my doctor dropped a bomb.

"If you have POF you probably won't get your period anymore. I'll give you some Provera, but I want you to do some blood work before you take it."

Really? I always had normal periods. Yes, I had to take Provera to start my period before this last cycle, but I just figured I was messed up due to all the meds. Her prediction really bothered me. No period = no hope what so ever. Does no period mean that donor eggs is not even an option for me in the future? Does no period mean that I'm old and dried up at thirty two?

And so I wait. I wait for blood work (which I haven't given yet.) I wait for Provera to induce a period. I wait for another period that may never come. I wait for answers to questions that I had no idea would even apply to me.

WTF.

On a happier note I have been busy crafting the last few weeks and have decided to revive my other blog. Check it out if you have an interest in crafty things...

Bonnie

2010-04-21T08:17:00.003-05:00

I'm going to admit that I have been scammed by the Internet. I've given money to infertility treatment funds only to find later that those treatments never took place. So I don't take this post lightly, but I believe in this story.

I have been reading Bonnie's blog since I started blogging, back when she was "the angry one". We have IVF cycled together. We have been cancelled together. We have failed together. I read her new blog with envy as she inched closer and closer to taking home a baby through domestic adoption. I was devastated when that adoption fell through. Bonnie's raw and honest emotions that she shared with all of us during that time really touched me. I felt her pain.

Bonnie is a survivor...she is tenacious...and she is determined to be a mother.

Bonnie is currently trying to raise money in order to bring her daughter home from Africa.

Please visit her blog and enter her adoption raffle. For just $5 you can enter to win an iPod touch (which is a pretty awesome thing in my book since my current iPod is the first iPod ever made that was given to me by my sister). But don't feel like you have to stop there, every $5 earns you another iPod touch raffle entry. Entries stop May 2nd at noon.

***Bonnie, I wish you all the luck in the world with your fundraising and your new daughter. Please do not enter me in the raffle for this blog post. This blog post comes from my heart. However, I will be making my donation/entry today because I WANT THAT iPOD!!!

Two Infertiles Dancing

2010-04-18T16:19:00.004-05:00

Walking toward each other in the office hallway I see you and you see me.

You know that I am infertile and I know that you are too.

You know that I don't have a baby and I know that you do.

You don't know if I am still trying...

You don't know if I might be pregnant right now...

You don't know if I'm waiting to find out if I'm pregnant right now...

You don't know the lengths I've gone to in order to catch up with you...

You know that you shouldn't talk about your baby, but you wish I would ask.

I know that I should ask, but I wish you wouldn't talk about your baby.

I've avoided your department because of you.

I've avoided the cafeteria because of you.

And so we dance down the hall, each step bringing us closer to an uncomfortable conversation.

Until I shout out a, "Hi!" and duck around the corner, never so happy to rush into a training class.

Outside of Myself

2010-04-05T17:09:00.006-05:00

Most articles I read about Child Free Living After Infertility (CFLAI?) propose that you can still have children in your life and feel fulfilled. Usually the idea is that becoming involved with nieces or nephews or children of friends will be a salve for all your barren wounds. I have to admit that idea is a little too Pollyanna for me right now. I can't imagine a niece or a nephew or a friend's child making me feel any better about my situation. Of course I have no nieces or nephews and I have pretty much cut off contact with fertile friends by this point, so who knows.

Tony has a favorite student at school, a special needs girl named K. K is severely disabled. She can't speak, uses a wheelchair, and no one knows how much she understands. Tony takes time out of his day to rock her or takes her outside for a walk to watch the kids playing in gym class. She smiles when she hears the sound of his voice.

Tony has been asking me to sew something for her, so this weekend I made her a bag. I've made a few of these for friends and family. They are the size and shape of those reusable shopping bags that I seem to grab for time and again whenever I have to tote anything from here to there.

I don't know if it was the sewing or if all those articles are on to something, but making this bag felt good*.

*or I just wanted to show off a new bag I made.

If it weren't for bad luck...

2010-04-02T08:04:00.002-05:00

On Monday our sump pump stopped working...$400.

On Thursday we received an unexpected bill from the last cycle...$900.

All week our accounting systems have been royally screwed up during period end close and people have been yelling at me for things that are totally beyond my control.

And then today...today was the best. Tony has been parking in the driveway because half the garage is filled with overflow from the house decluttering. TODAY I HIT TONY'S CAR WITH MY CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I'm starting to think that the universe owes me something.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. My office decides to adopt flex time and my boss acutally lets me take advantage of it by working four days a week.

2. We get a reasonable offer on the house.

3. I win a free vacation to somewhere tropical.

(Notice I did not list "surprise pregnancy". That just seems too far out of the realm of possibility.)

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Is it the weekend yet?

Act Naturally?

2010-03-30T18:00:00.000-05:00

After our last failed cycle I told Tony that I intended to go on the BCP where you only get your period four times a year. He looked at me with a combination of puppy dog and little boy eyes and asked why I wanted to do that. I could tell that he was surprised and hurt, but I snapped back that having my period was now very tramatic for me and why should I have to deal with it more than four times a year?!?!?!? I may have even thrown in a comment about him being a man and not understanding. (What can I say? I was not feeling very "in-control" emotionally.)

My husband has mentioned to me more than once that he thinks we will be one of those couples who tries and tries to have a baby and then gets pregnant naturally. When he says this I look at him like he has three heads and explain to him all the reason why that would be ridiculous. But he keeps bringing it up. Which makes me think that he really must believe it.

I was diagnosed with PCOS and then undiagnosed.

I had a high FSH reading of 14.

I tested positive for elevated natural killer cells.

He was diagnosed with a varicocele and then undiagnosed.

He has low sperm count and low motility.

He tested with lowish testoterone.

We retrieved forty six eggs that turned into twenty two embryos and transferred five blasts. None of those made it to freeze or fetus.

We no longer have sex regularly.

Oh yeah, and an ultrasound technician once told me that I have a tilted uterus...great.

These are not the ingredients for a "natural miracle".

Still, in my quest to not be done with hope I have considered taking up baby making sex again. Then I start to think, "Well, with everything working against us it would be best to know when I am ovulating...at least give us a fighting chance." But I worry that if I know when I ovulated, I will know when to test for pregnancy. I will know when to start hoping and praying and watching for symptoms. Next thing you know I am leaving work on my lunch hour to buy pregnancy tests that I pee on in the bathroom at the grocery store.

Sort of like those evolution posters, but in reverse...

Suddenly harmless baby making sex starts to sound less "relaxing" and more like a gateway activity leading me back to major heartache. I'm worried about becoming an addict again.

A Good Wife

2010-03-22T15:59:00.001-05:00

Last night I was a good wife. I went to the hockey game with my husband even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. I even got him the tickets from work; and these were good tickets with free food and beer included.

Here’s how little I know about hockey:

Me: What’s it called when they put the players in time out?
Tony: You mean intermission?
Me: No, when they take the players off the ice because they are naughty.
Tony: Oh, you mean the penalty box.
Me: Oh yeah.

I get more good wife points because I didn’t mention that while I do things I don’t want to do to make him happy, he won’t do little things for me like spend all of our savings on donor egg cycles that probably won’t work. Le sigh.

But just in case you aren’t sure if I am a good wife, this next story will dispel all doubt.

At the hockey game during intermission (is that what it’s called?) little pee wee hockey “all stars” are invited onto the ice to play for a few minutes. It is an awwwwwww inspiring site. Who can resist impossibly little boys dressed in impossibly little sports outfits with impossibly little sticks playing with big boy pucks, on big boy ice, with big boy goals? Before I could even steel my emotions against this parade of fertility, this display of everything denied to me; my husband turns and says, “I can’t believe you won’t let our boy play hockey.”

I felt like I had inadvertently dipped my toe into a hot tub time machine. Is this 2006 when we still had hypothetical conversations about imaginary children? I didn’t think that was still allowed when your husband has sworn off all further attempts at baby making?

And this is where the good wife part comes in. Because when my husband turned to me in order to argue about children who do not exist and will never exist, I did not punch him in the face. I did not run shrieking out of the stadium. I did not even point out the insensitivity of such a comment. Instead I just turned to him and evenly said, “That seems like an unlikely scenario doesn’t it?”

And then I realized that my husband hadn’t meant to say what he did. It was just a reflex, like muscle memory. He was sad that he had said it and even more sad that he had said it to me.

Maybe hope is a muscle that remembers too.

Why Didn't I Ever Find This During a TWW?

2010-03-21T14:28:00.002-05:00

Did you read Sweet Valley High books when you were younger?

You have to check this out.

I have been reading for hours and have laughed to the point of tears twice.

Baby Steps

2010-03-13T20:08:00.002-06:00

Where are my, "What About Bob?" fans? When we were little, if my sister and I liked a movie it went into hardcore frequent rotation at our house. We loved, "What About Bob?"

And "Dirty Dancing".

And "Haunted Honeymoon"

And "Money Pit"

And "Back to the Future"

I can still quote these movies. So if you are a fan of "What About Bob?" then you know all about Baby Steps the book. (For those who are not familiar with the movie, the concept is focus on one step at a time. Don't get overwhelmed.)

Before this last IVF attempt I had "big plans" for my child free life. I had fleshed out these "big plans" so much that I fully expected that if the cycle failed I was poised like a cat, ready to pounce. I fully expected to go into "big plan" activation mode.

But I have not been pouncing. I haven't been activating. Instead I've been baby stepping. (I'll spare you the obvious comments about the irony of baby stepping without any chance of an actual baby in the future.)

That brings me to today's baby step. Generally my level of depression is directly proportional to the length of my leg hair. Judging by the looks of my legs, I have been in quite a funk. I had not shaved my legs since my last cycle. And my attempts at shaving during my last cycle were half hearted at best; just enough grooming so as not to be a topic of conversation with the nurses.

But today I am leg hair free! And as I sat in the bathtub shaving my legs I felt good. I felt better. I started thinking about all the other things I could do today. I could pack up my second set of china and send it to storage. I could clean out the closets for the open house tomorrow. I could get back into my sewing room. I could go to the mall and buy some new cardigans to replace the worn ones I've been wearing lately. I could go to Target and buy some sea monkeys*.

But I didn't do any of that stuff. I just shaved my legs. Well, that and pulled out some empty boxes in an attempt to start packing.

Oh well, baby steps. I wonder what I'll do tomorrow?

*My new best friend at work has this sea monkey kit and I want to get one!

Time Time Time

2010-03-11T20:27:00.008-06:00

Look over there ------------------------------------------------------->

I've been trying to get pregnant since 2007. Now I know many people have tried for so much longer, but this still sounds like a long time to me. I guess I ought to have an associate's degree in infertility. Imagine me, the overachiever not going for my bachelors or masters or even PhD.

It feels like all of my life experiences since 2007 revolve around infertility. I have been so focused on treatments that I can barely remember anything else from these years. If I think about it so many other things have happened.

I had three birthdays, three wedding anniversaries, and three Christmases. Notice I didn't say "celebrated". Because I didn't celebrate any of these holidays.

I went on a two week road trip vacation starting and ending in Toronto. We went to Niagara Falls, Maine, Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, and Montreal in between. I got my period on that trip on a ferry ride to Nova Scotia. I also skipped vacation one year and went on a cheapo vacation to Hilton Head since we were spending so much money on prescription medications.

I turned down a transfer to Minneapolis for work because it was in the middle of the school year and Tony wouldn't be able to join me for six months. I turned it down because it's hard to make a baby when your husband is two states away. I also got promoted and fired someone for the first time.

I installed wood floors in my house, redid a bathroom, bought furniture, and painted several rooms. However, I never touched a thing in the "baby's room."

We both really thought Tony was going to lose his job for awhile. We were both really worried.

I bought a car and on Monday that car will be paid off.

I had my first surgery, first ultrasound, first acupuncture, first anesthesia, and first self administered shot. I understand how insurance works now.

I held Tony's kitty while the vet put him to sleep. I got a new puppy.

Things did not turn out the way I wanted, but there were a lot of changes. I didn't reach my goal, but I did have accomplishments.

I Can't Be Your Friend Because I'm Infertile

2010-03-08T18:54:00.003-06:00

In December I went to the wedding reception of a friend from high school and college. I don't have a lot of close friends. I'm not good at making them and once I make a friend I am not good at staying in touch with them.

At the wedding I ran into other friends from high school. We had a great time. We caught up. We drank. We caught up some more. We drank some more. By the end of the night my friend was overenthusiastically telling us how much it meant to her that we all came to her wedding reception. We were swearing drunken oaths to do more things together. We made big plans for the first ever annual girls weekend get away. Plans somewhat fueled by alcohol induced sentimentality.

Since I am the natural planner in this community-theater-performing-creative-writing-teaching-weird-martial-arts-performing group of women I came home and sent out the emails to get this whole weekend thing started.

Then I stopped. I backed away. I pulled back.

Why?

Because I realized that there was probably a good chance that my newly married friend would be pregnant by the time this girl's weekend came to fruition.

The thought stopped me in my tracks.

Perhaps she would think that this weekend is the perfect opportunity to tell us all of her pregnancy. Or perhaps she would try to be sensitive to my feelings and we would have to guess her special secret when we all notice that she's skipping the wine. Both of these scenarios leave me feeling dread.

I am so angry. I was so looking forward to this weekend. Now I see no option, but to ditch the whole idea just because a friend MIGHT be pregnant. Crazy.

Infertility is so isolating and it continues to take and take and take.

Weekend Cheers and Jeers

2010-03-01T07:28:00.002-06:00

Cheers that we had three people come and look at our house this weekend. I go back and forth between wanting to start packing things up to ready for a move and holding off in case we can't get our house sold. We are aggressively priced, but you just never know what will (or won't) happen in this market.

Cheers that Tony took the baby bassinet purchased three years ago when we were pregnant for eight weeks to Goodwill this weekend. It really didn't bother me much. There are other baby things I have purchased that are much more sentimental to me and would be harder to let go. I'm glad it is going to a place where someone can use it. Had it been up to me I would have chopped it up with an axe and burnt it in the backyard.

Jeers that I didn't get off the sofa much this weekend despite my best laid plans. I did however get a burst of energy Sunday evening. I scrubbed the corners of the wood floors on my hands and knees, shined up the kitchen cabinets, and made lunch salads for the week. I hope this is a sign of more energetic pursuits to come.

Cheers on all the wonderful comments I have been getting on my blog and in emails. This has been a hard time for me as I feel a bit as though I have let people down. I know it is hard for those still in the fight to read about my story. I am the nightmare. I am the one with infertility that could not be treated. Thanks for sticking with me. I also feel like I have tapped into a whole other world of folks who are in the exact same spot as me.

Jeers that the Olympics are over. There is nothing better to do when you are depressed than watch a long curling match. I don't understand it at all, but I find it mesmerizing and the northern accents of the commentators are quite soothing.

That's it. More cheers than jeers. I guess that's a good sign.

Ground Zero

2010-02-25T12:31:00.003-06:00

I haven't really started child-free living yet. I'm child-free, but I'm not living.

My days consist of waking in the morning and going to work. Spending way too much time on the Internet while at work between doing what needs to be done in order to keep my job and appearing somewhat engaged. Coming home and changing clothes. Sitting on the sofa all night and alternating between watching TV, surfing the Internet, and playing Minesweeper. Then it's off to bed.

Sadness. Despair. Depression.

Sadness. Despair. Depression.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Today I looked around at my life.

My marriage has been changed by this journey and not for the better. We have always been a happy, laid back, and fun loving couple. That was "our thing". We didn't take much seriously. I'm wondering what it will take for us to get that back. I feel more insecure in my marriage than I have ever felt.

I have not put much effort into my job for over a year now. People don't seem to have noticed much (except possibly a couple coworkers), but it has made me very paranoid about being laid off or fired. Since there have been layoffs and firings a plenty in my office lately, my work life basically sucks. Every rumor or piece of gossip sends me into a paranoid tailspin of checking my dwindling savings account and calculating how long we could survive without my salary.

I am not speaking to my family. My mother is quite frankly a mother. She could never understand what I am going through. She also has an uncanny ability to say the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time. I can't risk that right now. My sister will most probably be a mother soon and most probably without much effort. Because, quite frankly...that just seems to be how my life works. I am preemptively not speaking to her because a pregnancy announcement would put me over the edge.

I am fatter than I have ever been. My clothes are not fitting. I gained an amazing amount of weight this last cycle, but I can't bear to step on the scale to tally it up. All I want to eat is McDonald's sausage egg and cheese biscuits and ice cream. I have been doing this frequently.

This is ground zero. This is my bottom. There is nowhere to go, but up.

Right?

I don't like to think of my life as tragic, but I have had enough tragedy in my life to know that only time will make things better. I will never be OK about this, but in time I will be better.

I think I will let myself continue to wallow until the weekend, then it will be time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start moving on.

Here I come. I'm almost ready. Let's go. I just have to get off the couch...

If I Were To Interview Myself Today

2010-02-23T12:30:00.002-06:00

Are you really done trying to have a child?

Before this cycle the answer was yes, we are done. Now the answer is maybe. We are definitely done trying to conceive a child with my eggs. I am OK with this and have been for a long time. I don’t think my genetic material is particularly special and I personally believe that nurture plays a bigger role than nature. We have only continued with my eggs for this long because it was the most cost effective option for us. I have had insurance to cover procedures up to this point (not that we haven’t spent tens of thousands of dollars of our own money.) If I could have applied that insurance to a donor eggs cycle I would have done so this last cycle.

However, even though we are very open to moving forward with donor eggs, we have decided to try child free living first. I feel very blessed that at age thirty two donor eggs are a viable option for me for several years. We are going to take advantage of that luxury and try child free living for a year or two. Then we will make a decision. If we are OK with it, we will continue on living sans bebe. If we are not OK with it then we will explore other treatment options like donor eggs.

What about adoption?

If someone would place a baby in my arms right now and ask me to raise it I would love and nurture that child like no one’s business. But I know it’s not that easy. We had a taste of the adoption experience when we started the process of becoming foster parents several months ago. At that time we realized that we could not continue cycling and become foster parents at the same time and dropped out. However, we went through enough of the home study experience to realize that adoption is freaking hard, just as hard as IVF cycling and I don’t think we have the strength right now.

Also, my husband’s heart is not open to open or international adoption which I know would make the process that much harder. I personally believe in open adoption. Since we are so far apart on this issue I think that adoption is not right for us right now.

Do you feel like a quitter?

Absolutely. I believe that if you really want a baby you will get there one way or another. I really want a baby, so why am I quitting? I struggle with this a lot. Part of the reason that I am quitting is that my husband no longer wants to continue, part of the reason is financial, part of the reason is that I feel in my gut that this is the right decision for me right now. However, for my own sanity I have to think of this as an extended year or two year long break. Right now I just can’t admit that I’m done.

We did not get our dream come true, but our nightmare has ended and that feels good.

So what is the plan?

We are very committed to giving child free living a try. Our four-bedroom-perfect-for-kids house is officially on the market and we are looking for smaller homes in a historic district in a bad school district. Once we move, Bo will get a brother, which is something that my extremely social dog needs desperately. I have also looked at this as an opportunity to really examine my life and choices. Am I in the right career? How will I leave a legacy if I don’t have children? What opportunities are open to me that might not be open if I had children? How soon can I retire?

I’m actually somewhat excited about answering these questions.

You sound so upbeat and together about this. What is your secret?

Don’t believe a word of it. I am a mess inside. I’m sad. I’m angry. I cry. I emailed my family telling them that I didn’t want to speak to anyone right now, possibly for a few months. Tony thinks I need to be on antidepressants and I don’t necessarily disagree. I just refuse to let this ruin my life so I am trying to find something-anything good and positive to hang on to. My attitude changes minute by minute. I’m totally in the grief cycle and hanging on for dear life.

Are you still going to blog?

Yep. I think that my story still has merit. It’s a different story now and it won’t be the right story for everyone, but I hope some folks will still be interested.

Insult, Meet Injury

2010-02-22T12:41:00.004-06:00

So after the negative pregnancy test on Friday, I started bleeding. Not spotting…bleeding. Not just bleeding, but bleeding more than I have in months and months. In a perverse way I’m almost proud of how much my body does not want to be pregnant; expelling uterine lining and embryos a full three days before my beta.

I didn’t really know what to do when the bleeding started so quickly and violently, so I kept up with my Prometrium and Endometrium suppositories. I kept telling myself that if the bleeding doesn’t stop by *insert time* I’ll stop taking the medicine. But I just couldn’t stop myself.

I wasn’t going to go to my blood draw this morning, sort of a final middle finger to the whole medical establishment. However, last night I started having stabbing abdominal pains that made me wonder if I might have gone ectopic. So I went. They are calling Tony with the results and I know he won’t tell me while I’m at work. He’s currently not answering his office line.

I can’t believe that the closest we ever got to being parents was after four months of trying on our own. For four blissful weeks we thought we were going to be a family with a mommy, daddy, and baby not knowing that the mass of baby-like cells that caused the pregnancy test to turn positive had stopped developing weeks earlier.

We’ve spent almost three years chasing that high and never got any closer, never even got that close again.

We found out last week that we had nothing to freeze.

Fuck.

Update: I'm officially negative.

I Need A Miracle

2010-02-19T05:28:00.001-06:00

7dp5dt and I tested negative.

I don't understand why this is not meant to work for us.

We are good people.

We would make good parents.

My husband and I are falling apart.

The Ladybug Story

2010-02-16T07:58:00.003-06:00

My father passed away when I was twenty-one. We were close, or as close as you can get to an extreme workaholic with a really screwed up upbringing.

Several years after he passed on I had a dream about him. He was sitting on a park bench and I sat beside him. He told me that everything was going to be OK. I forget now why I needed to be told that everything was going to be OK, but I remember waking up and knowing that he was right.

The next morning there was a steel penny on my front table. (Pennies are generally made of copper, but during one of the World Wars they needed the copper for wartime production and made pennies out of steel.) I have no idea where this steel penny came from. I knew it was a sign from my father. He was a coin collector.

This weekend I had a conversation with my dad. I don't do this often, but I asked him if he had any sort of influence over things like conception could he please make sure that this cycle worked. (I talked to Tony's dad too, who I never met and who also has passed away).

This morning I woke up and went downstairs. On my kitchen counter next to my prometrium bottle there was a ladybug, a sign of good luck.

I hope my dad sent it. I hope it's his way of telling me that it will be OK.

I guess in a way it will be OK, no matter what.

Three

2010-02-12T13:12:00.001-06:00

We transferred three early blasts today.

We thought about transferring four, but Tony was too chicken (or the voice of reason?)

It's out of our hands and into my womb.

Hoping for the best.

Wanna See A Picture of My Kids?

2010-02-11T05:53:00.004-06:00

. . . . . . . . . .

aren't they cute?

Plans for "wasted" vacation day #2:

I'm taking Bo to daycamp today so he can get a break from protecting me from his own reflection in the glass front of the fireplace. Bo HATES fireplace puppy.
I scheduled a massage to use the gift certificate Tony got me for Christmas.
Sewing, sewing, sewing

As the wife of an educator I just LOVE staying home while my husband goes to work, usually it is the other way around.

Day 3 Report

2010-02-10T10:15:00.002-06:00

No transfer today.

Because..."there are too many good ones to chose from."

So here are the stats for all you math nerds out there (my clinic grades embryos 1 through 3 with 1 being the best):

12 cell, grade 2
9 cell, grade 1
9 cell, grade 2
9 cell, grade 2
8 cell, grade 2
8 cell, grade 2
7 cell, grade 1
7 cell, grade 1
7 cell, grade 2
6 cell, grade 3
2 arrested

Wow. Good stuff.

So transfer will be Friday if these little guys keep growing. I feel mixed about delaying the transfer to a day 5. I'd feel more confident if I had some more grade 1 embryos. (I apologize to my fellow poor responders for that statement.) However, I still feel like hell from my retrieval so I am happy to have a couple more days to recover.

The bad news: I already took today, Thursday, and Friday off work. I decided not to tell my boss about this cycle (I haven't told anyone IRL this time and now I am too superstitious to say anything). There is just too much going on at work for me to drop everything and run out the door without a little planning. Instead of stressing about how I was going to make my getaway I decided to just take the days off and worst case scenario I would burn a few vacation days.

So I'm off to the fabric store and the book store and the dog park. areyoukiddingme asked what I have been sewing. Well, I have sewn a couple pillow covers, some bags, and I am finishing up endlessly hand stitching the binding on a quilt. Since I'll have a lot of time on my hands maybe I'll post some pictures in the next couple days.

PS. I am overwhelmed by the support I have been receiving. Thank you so much.

Fertilization Report

2010-02-08T10:38:00.003-06:00

Of the 32 eggs...

26 were mature...

and 12 fertilized normally...

Go twelve go!

Prepare to Have Your Minds Blown

2010-02-07T13:11:00.003-06:00

[I just woke up from my post anesthesia coma and my husband has confirmed all these facts].

I awoke to the nurse telling me that they retrieved twenty six eggs.

I didn't believe them. I asked them to double check.

Then they came back and told me that they retrieved thirty two eggs.

They asked Tony to go rub one out again to make sure they had enough good sperm.

I got to drink some Sprite while I waited.

If this were my first IVF I would be super excited right now, but this is my fifth attempt. I can only assume that something will go wrong.

Some Quick Updates

2010-02-04T10:32:00.003-06:00

My US went well today. Still lots of follicles and they are growing. I may stim one more day depending on my E2 levels as there are some follicles that we still want to grow a bit. Retreival will most likely be on Sunday.
My RE and I had a "come to Jesus" meeting where I told him that I wanted to make sure I transferred something. I said, "I know that you think that if embryos don't make it to day five they are crap, but I don't care. I might want to put some back on day three anyway and I want to make sure I'll have that option." His solution...consecutive transfers. He wants to put back two on day three and another one or two on day five (if we have it). Then he gave me some articles which basically said that consecutive transfer might help and can't hurt. Has anyone ever done such a thing? What do you think?
This is one reason I've grown to love my RE. He is always so optimistic, always willing to try new things, and let's me call the shots within reason. He's a real gem.

Uncomfortable

2010-02-03T07:22:00.002-06:00

I am feeling very uncomfortable.

I couldn't stay asleep last night.

Is this how I always feel at this point?

Have I forgotten?

Or is this how you feel when you have more than five or six follicles growing?

Maybe they are growing too big.

And my ovaries will explode like the Death Star.

Or maybe they are fizzling away.

I hate this time between ultrasounds.

I hate not knowing what is going on inside me.

Guessing at symptoms.

Or lack of symptoms.

Good news or bad news?

I guess I will find out tomorrow.

Holy Follicles, Batman!

2010-02-01T12:43:00.001-06:00

I could set this post up by saying that I started getting nervous last night. I started to prepare myself for the possibility that everything could all be over at today’s ultrasound. I could be cancelled. It could all be over. It’s happened before.

But I won’t do that. Instead I will cut to the chase and let you know the results of today’s CD9 ultrasound.

Holy Crap. I’ve never seen so many follicles before. My left ovary had three measurable follicles with three or four to hopefully catch up. My right ovary (always the overachiever) had seven or eight measurable follicles.

I can’t believe it.

I’ve learned the hard way that with IVF you have to take it one day at a time. Each milestone passed is just another hurdle crossed and no indication of future success. I’ve read that sometimes ladies get more follicles with HGH, but the quality is still not improved. Quantity means nothing without quality.

But all that being said, this is the best response I’ve had at this point in the game so I can’t help but feel somewhat optimistic.

If anything, it beats being cancelled.

Intralipids

2010-01-28T20:10:00.006-06:00

When I found out that my body might be attacking and killing baby embryos I was SO HAPPY.

It was just before Christmas and I felt like running down the street ala Ebenezer Scrooge, grabbing strangers, and shouting as I shook their bodies, "I have elevated Natural Killer cells! I have elevated Natural Killer cells!"

Why was I so happy? Because I thought I had found an answer. An answer to the blighted ovum. An answer to the positive pregnancy test followed by a negative pregnancy test the same day. An answer to the two perfect-on-paper embryos transferred that never stuck around in my uterus.

AND the best part...

the BEST part...

THE BEST PART...

Unlike my crappy eggs, there was a cure!

Intralipids!

BUT WAIT...there's more.

INTRALIPIDS ARE CHEAP!!!

I've since calmed down, researched, and realized that elevated natural killer cells may or may not have an impact of my infertility and intralips may or may not help correct the elevated natural killer cells that may or may not impact my fertility. I didn't know that the whole thing isn't so cut and dried as my doctor described to me.

But did I mention that intralips are cheap?

So tomorrow, on my lunch hour I will traveling to my RE's office for an IV full of hope. I'm a bit nervous for some strange reason, but I bought a new sewing book today to pass the time.

No Olympics For Me

2010-01-25T19:12:00.001-06:00

As of this morning I am officially no longer eligible for Olympic competition.

This morning I injected myself with human growth hormone (HGH).

I have to admit (somewhat ashamedly) that I really don't know much about it. All I know is that it is supposed to help. I'm too tired to be my own advocate anymore; studying and researching. My RE suggested it. He says that studies show that it helps one in eight times; a twelve and a half percent chance of helping. Ten shots all at a bargain price of $1600.

I am trying to GROW A HUMAN. So maybe it makes sense to inject HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE?

Anyway...the speed skating team will have to go on without me.

Going Out of Business

2010-01-24T16:00:00.001-06:00

Several months ago I went to lunch with a wise older friend and unloaded all my infertility shit on her. This was just prior to IVF #4 and I was wondering aloud how or if I would ever know when it was time to stop trying.

She told me, "When it's time to stop, you will just know. After I had my second daughter I just knew I was done having kids and had my tubes tied."

At the time I couldn't really hear her for two reasons.

Reason #1: I was bitter that she was comparing her decision to stop HAVING children to my decision to stop TRYING to have children.

Reason #2: "You will just know" advice is always hard to hear. "When you find the right man...you will just know." "When you find the right house...you will just know." When you are in the middle of searching and filled with indecision it is difficult to trust that you will ever "just know" anything with such certainty.

But now I know.

I know this is it for us.

This is our last try.

In this moment we have no plans to pursue further IVFs, donor eggs, or adoption. In fact, we have seriously considered abandoning this cycle more than once.

We just feel we are done. We just know it.

We are not only hoping for a pregnancy. We are hoping for closure.

This cycle I have not calculated a potential due date. I have not visited baby websites to check out the latest nursery themes. Instead we have been preparing our four bedroom home for sale and scouring real estate listings for old homes in neighborhoods with bad school districts.

We are planning for a different future and this cycle feels like a speed bump. That doesn't mean that we won't be thrilled if we get pregnant, even though we really expect not to be. That doesn't mean that we won't be devastated if this cycle fails, even though we are expecting failure.

I know this post will make some feel sad. This is not a sad post. I'm still excited about this cycle, but it's a different sort of excitement. I see this cycle as a win-win situation. I may get what I always wanted, but if not I will get to move on with my life.

I feel relief at that thought.

I feel peace.

Giving Blood and Other Thoughts

2010-01-19T06:53:00.002-06:00

In six minutes I will leave for the lab to go give blood for my baseline E2 levels.

Thursday morning I will go for my baseline ultrasound.

For the past two weeks I have been trying to craft a somewhat coherent post in my head describing how I feel about embarking on this "last chance" IVF.

I'm not there yet.

But I need to get there soon, because this IVF is coming whether I am ready for it or not...

Stay tuned.

Julia Child Couldn't Cook Babies

2010-01-10T17:50:00.003-06:00

I've always wanted to compile a list of successful and happy infertile women from history, but I've never gotten around to it.

Lately I've been reading "My Life in France" by Julia Child. I'm too lazy to provide a link to Amazon, so just Goggle it if you are interested...or go to Target and buy it (Oh, Target...you got me again with your wily merchandising). Apparently the book was used for the movie Julie and Julia, which I haven't seen. There is a picture of Meryl Streep on the cover.

The book's not that great. I've put it down and picked it up several times. But the other day, on page 101 I came across this passage:

"I, too, had had tummy troubles. Ever since our trip to Italy with Pilapop, my stomach was no longer a brass-bound, iron-lined, eat-and-drink-any-amount-of-anything-anywhere-anytime machine that it had been. I had suffered bouts of feeling quite queer the entire time we'd been in France. 'It must be something in the water,' I'd say to myself. But when I continued to feel suddenly sick and gaseous, I declared: 'Aha, pregnant at last!'"

"We had tried. But for some reason our efforts didn't take. It was sad, but we didn't spend too much time thinking about it and never considered adoption. It was just one of those things. We were living very full lives."

I was stunned by the matter of fact description of her infertility. Of course at this point in my life, my memoir could never contain a mere paragraph about my infertility. Infertility would take up a whole page.

Or a whole chapter.

Or maybe the whole book.

I read the passage again.

What the?!?!?! Didn't spend too much time thinking about it?!?!?!? Just one of those things?!?!?!

The concept is so foreign to me. I think about my infertility every day. It isn't "just one of those things" but the ONLY thing in my life some days.

It makes me wonder, should I be taking the Julia Child approach to infertility? Would I be able to accomplish more in my life if I did?

Or was Julia fibbing? Not letting on about her disappointment. We all do this in our everyday lives, in casual conversation when asked about our childless predicaments. "We're still waiting." "We haven't really decided yet if we are having kids." And so on and so forth.

When I live to be eighty plus years old will infertility be merely a paragraph in my life? A footnote?

In a way I am offended by the offhand remarks minimizing the role infertility played in her life, but in a way I find it hopeful.

An Essay on Crying

2010-01-03T16:36:00.002-06:00

“I have to stop crying on the way to work,” I think. This has become a weekly occurrence. This isn’t like me. I am not an angst filled late teenager/early twenty year old anymore. I’m no longer saddled with high interest credit card debt and wondering how I will make the rent. I don’t have to wonder anymore if he likes me or if he will call or if I slept with him too soon and I’ve lost his respect.

I’m in my early thirties. I’m successful professionally. I’m in a wonderful marriage. I drive a brand new car that will be paid off in less than a year. I’ve been to Europe. I’ve been to Asia. I have a very blessed life. I shouldn’t be crying. I haven’t cried with this sort of regularity for a decade.

This stretch of road through the flood plain that was saved from suburban sprawl due to its topographical undesirableness is too quiet, too straight. I don’t have to concentrate on the other cars. I don’t have to watch for pedestrians. I only have to keep the steering wheel straight and my speed under the limit; this road is a speed trap dream for cops. I only have to drive and think. It doesn’t matter if I tune the radio to morning DJ banter, NPR, or the seventies-eighties-nineties music station I am fond of, the thoughts come.

Of course crying on the way to work is much more preferable to crying at work. And as cries go, this is a pretty good one. There are tears, but no sobbing today, no cursing, no snotty nose blown into a fast food napkin. I won’t have to sit in the parking lot at work today and wait for my eyes to look less puffy, less red...which only works if you can stop crying. I won’t have to dash in the back door and into the nearest bathroom to splash cool water on my face to try and reduce the redness in my fair skin...which only works if you can stop crying. And there are days when I can’t stop crying.

I’m sorry to say that there have been days that I have cried at my desk. There have been days that multiple coworkers have asked me if I am OK. There have been days at work when I have done nothing but surf the Internet waiting for an appropriate time to leave. Days wasted Googling words like cyst, lupron, inhibin B. Days spent sending questions into the cyber universe like, “What are my chances of having another miscarriage? What are early pregnancy symptoms? Will I be able to adopt if my husband is in his forties?” I’m sorry to say that there are days I haven’t been able to make it to work at all.

No, today’s cry is a good one, only tears. Pretty tears like in a movie romance where the boy tries to drive the girl away by pretending he doesn’t care and she gets a hurt look on her face and a couple tears escape attractively from her professionally coal smudged eyes. He looks back and realizes she is crying and wipes away the tears, reaches out to her, and makes it all better with a Hollywood kiss. There is no one here to make it all better, but at least I can wipe away the tears, go into work and about my day with no one being the wiser.

I suppose this is how cancer patients feel. Powerless. Yes, there are treatments. Treatments with related odds, sixty percent success rate, forty five percent success rate, fifteen percent success rate. However, no one really knows why some treatments work and others don’t. No one knows why treatments that should work, fail. No one knows why sometimes those with the most dire cases recover and those with the most favorable prognosis, remain ill. Do cancer patients look at me, my health, with bitterness; the same way I look at pregnant bellies?

I’m sick of being infertile. In the car I think, “OK, I get it. I think I fully understand this life experience now. I’m ready to move on.” But it’s not that easy. This isn’t a designer handbag that I can save for and purchase. This is outside of my control. There is nothing I can do, but exist with this, and cry.

The Worst Year Ever?

2009-12-28T17:30:00.007-06:00

Sometimes I get confused about what year it is. I know that makes me sound a little stupid and airheaded, but there's a good reason.

My company's fiscal year ends in February, so I have been in fiscal 2010 for eight months; fiscal 2010 and calendar 2009. January 1 not only marks a new calendar year, but also those magical two months when calendar and fiscal years converge and I don't have to pause and think before filling out the date on a form.

I don't really know what to say about 2009. It wasn't good. This time last year I predicted that 2009 would end with a baby, a pregnancy, or an end to our non-baby makin' journey. None of these are true; so I can add inability to tell the future to my list of failures this year.

I've been reading reflective blog posts. I've watched year end retrospective specials on the news. I've written this blog post three times now. But I've realized that I really don't want to reflect on 2009.

It sucked.

Next week I am officially "on calendar" for IVF attempt #5.

Here's to a happy 2010 and a more profitable fiscal 2011!

Home for the Holidays

2009-12-21T20:12:00.002-06:00

This Christmas I've decided not to remove the IVF cycle calendar from my refrigerator door.

This Christmas I've decided not to hide my IVF meds behind the deli meat.

This Christmas I will leave my sharps container on the kitchen counter.

Why?

In the past I have been hyper secretive about our infertility where my family is involved. I just "came out" after IVF number four.

Why?

I always thought I would tell my family about our journey while holding a baby in my arms. I would explain how MY little miracle was TRULY a miracle. I didn't want my family to know about my struggle while I was still a failure. I'm not great with sharing my failures....even with my family...maybe especially with my family.

But now, things are different. I have accepted that this journey might not end with a baby. I want my family to understand why pregnancy announcements are hard for me, why they shouldn't ask when I'm having a baby, why I may not be able to participate in my sister's baby shower, why I won't hold my cousin's new baby due in a couple months.

I want witnesses for my pain.

I want my family to understand and appreciate what I have been through.

I want support.

So this weekend I will be explaining the inner workings of IVF to the uninitiated. I'll be saying that the shots aren't too bad. I'll be explaining how not everyone turns into Octomom. I'll be bracing myself for an inevitable insensitive comment. I will be looked at with pity.

But I will be with my family. And they will understand and appreciate and support the best they can.

Cycle Details

2009-12-18T19:02:00.004-06:00

Here are some details on this cycle for those that are interested:

The Diet: Pretty much doing the same stuff, although I have to admit that I've not been as strict and I need to start uping the fruit and veg like I did before. Still no caffeine, but I have had alcohol more than I did last time (which was none). I have been drinking Diet 7UP. Last time was nothing but water and herbal tea.

Meditation: I haven't done any, but probably will when the cycle heats up.

Exercise: Pretty much nil except walking the dog. I am very upset with myself for this as I think that exercise really helps with the stress and general health. Ironically the puppy I got to keep me company on long walks had made me more home bound; first he couldn't walk on a leash, then he couldn't walk very far, now it is winter. *sigh* I really must do something about this.

Acupuncture: This one I am really concerned about. I haven't gone to acupuncture since my failed cycle. I have really struggled about what to do. I believe that acupuncture helped with my last cycle. I was going to start up again in November, but work was just too busy for me to start slipping away early for appointments. Now in December I am feeling too broke due to real estate taxes, personal property taxes, Christmas gifts, and trying to prepay as many medical expenses as humanly possible for tax reasons. If this cycle is a bust I will always wonder what if...

Supplements: I am now taking l-arginine, wheat grass, royal jelly, and a fertility vitamin blend suggested by my RE. What the!!! The same RE who told me that supplements wouldn't help when I was begging for suggestions after IVF #3 now thinks that I should be taking anti-oxidants. This makes me grumble.

Tony: Tony did the hormone testing suggested by the RE after failed IVF #4. Based on those results he is now taking one tab of Clomid every other day and and HCG injection once a week. I gather from Google searches that these treatments for men are rather controversial and probably won't do much to help. Our RE has said as much, but I'm glad he has presented this as an option for us to try. Tony is also taking antioxidants.

Protocol: I am doing basically the same protocol as before with a couple changes. I will be taking human growth hormone (so I guess I can't compete in the Olympics). My RE's opinion is that HGH might help one in eight women, but he normally doesn't suggest it due to price ($1600 for me). Again I am glad that he is giving me the information and the options. I have also tested positive for elevated natural killer cells and will be doing intralipids. I actually think this is good news and might answer why last time failed. I will be just devastated if we make shit embryos this time and don't get an opportunity to see if the intralipids will help implantation.

The Bottom Line: I'm glad that we are trying new things, but sometimes I wonder if I am grasping at very expensive straws.

I feel a lot of anxiety about not doing acupuncture, but I just think that the expense would cause me too much stress. We have really drained the savings account lately paying for testing and the extra prescription meds.

I am also bummed that I have not been following the diet as closely. I feel like I am in an Eastern medicine death spiral where I think, "It takes at least three months to take effect and I don't have three months so why bother..."

I've started taking Estrace...one day at a time, it will all be happening before you know it.

P.S. I've cranked up the Hope-O-Meter...slightly.

The Little Voice

2009-12-17T10:20:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I argue with it, sometimes I believe it and celebrate it; that little voice inside of me that says, “This is going to work because…”

The “because” is different with every IVF.

This is going to work because we aren’t really that infertile and IVF is a bit of overkill.
This is going to work because now we are seeing a new RE.
This is going to work because I have been doing acupuncture and meditation and supplements and diet changes.

Now I have a new “because”.

This is going to work because it would be a perfect ending to a last chance IVF.

Sigh. I’ve grown to hate that little voice. That little voice is never right.

But it is still there. Whispering. This is going to work. This is going to work. This is going to work.

Bo Joins the Club

2009-12-15T06:00:00.002-06:00

Bo took a trip to the vet.

Now he's infertile too.
Good thing he can't type...

THE SCREAMING POST

2009-12-13T20:23:00.002-06:00

I DON'T EVEN CARE THAT I CAN'T GET PREGNANT THE OLD FASHIONED WAY ANYMORE!!! WHY COULDN'T I HAVE BEEN ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT GOT PREGNANT WITH ONE IVF?!?!?!

MY COUSIN WHO ALWAYS SAID SHE DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE KIDS AND EVEN TOLD US ALL THAT AT HER WEDDING IS DUE IN A FEW MONTHS. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?!????!?!?!

WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? WHY ME WHY ME WHY ME???

THIS IS SO FUCKING UNFAIR ALL THE TIME AND AT EVERY TURN. CAN'T I EVER GET A FUCKING BREAK???

I AM SO SICK OF PEOPLE AT WORK GETTING PREGNANT AND FRAMING THEIR GOD DAMNED ULTRASOUND PICTURES AND PUTTING THEM ON THEIR DESKS.

ok. feel a bit better now. feel free to add your own screams to the comments.

Yesterday and Tomorrow

2009-12-08T05:00:00.001-06:00

Yesterday:

Yesterday was my official one year blogoversary. I really don't feel the need to reflect on this past year. I will just acknowledge the blogoversary and move on. I did decide to change the decor (imagine how annoying I would be if I had a real kid).

Tomorrow:

Tomorrow I have an appointment with "the wand" unless I get my period. Tomorrow is cycle day 38 so I guess we are going to pop the hood and see what's going on. My coordinator asked me if I thought I might be pregnant. I answered, "No, I think you have to have sex* to get pregnant, or so I've heard."

*Tony and I have only had sex once or maybe twice in the last 38 days. Maybe I'll post about that another day.

a busy weekend

2009-12-06T17:12:00.009-06:00

It seems that my blog posts have been rather depressing of late, not a true reflection of my day to day life. Work and home have been incredibly busy lately. It fact I've hardly had time to think about being infertile at all. When I do think about the fact that I am barren it been in a "maybe it's good I don't have a kid because how would I ever fit that into my schedule" sort of way.

This weekend I made my cleaning list in preparation for family Christmas at my home this year.

One good thing about having your closest family member a four hour drive away is that it is relatively easy to maintain the illusion that you are a perfect housekeeper...until they come to visit for a three day stay.

I baked Tony's favorite cake (from scratch) for his birthday.

After taking this picture Tony promptly grabbed a dinner plate and cut himself a healthy slice...

Of course Tony's birthday is also the first anniversary of our first cancelled IVF. While I have had many more disappointments since then, the first one was the worst. I couldn't get out of bed for days. I'm proud of myself for not bringing up this sad anniversary and ruining another birthday for Tony.

I finished my Christmas pillow sewing project.
If you can read that "naughty" pillow and think it's a little odd, the other side says "nice". It was a better idea in my head.

And I even finished making a Santa dummy for the Christmas decorating contest at work (don't ask).

Bo is pooped after a busy weekend of following me around...

Next up: Christmas cards, Christmas baking, and a new tote bag that I would like to try sewing.

Nothing like a busy holiday season to keep cramming those yucky and sad feelings back to places in your brain that you rarely visit.

Things I Couldn't Say Two Months Ago

2009-12-04T14:23:00.003-06:00

Sometimes my blog posts rattle around in my head for days or weeks or even months while I figure out what I want to say or sort through my own confusing feelings. This one has definitely been rattling around for awhile; two months to be exact.

I was going to originally title this post, “I Want a Dead Baby”. I figured it was radical and would make people want to read the post, but most of all the title summed up how I felt. In the end I decided it was too morbid to assault people’s Google Readers with a “dead baby” title.

Two months ago, after IVF #4 failed, I could accept that I wasn’t going to have a real live baby, but I had a harder time accepting that I didn’t even get pregnant. I just wanted to be pregnant, even if it ended in miscarriage.

OK. I can hear a chorus of, “why why why” ringing through the internet right now. So I will answer.

I wanted to feel the joy of being pregnant. I wanted to see the look on my husband’s face when I told him the good news. I wanted to tell my family that I was pregnant. I wanted to dream and believe that this could really happen for me. Yes, I know that having a miscarriage would bring far greater pain than the pain of never getting pregnant to begin with. But I was willing to take on that pain just for a taste of the joy. I just wanted a nibble or a glimpse of what it would feel like if an IVF worked.

I don’t know how to grieve these series of failed IVFs. In my head I constantly have this conversation with the world:

World: Why are you so sad?

Me: Well, I tried to have a baby and it didn’t work out.

World: Is that all?

Me: I don’t think you understand. I really really tried to have a baby and it didn’t work out.

World: OK. I get it…so…why are you so sad?

Me: BECAUSE I PUT MY HEART AND SOUL INTO TRYING TO HAVE A BABY AND IT DIDN’T WORK OUT!!!

World: I think you need to get over this.

OK. I know that society does not do much to recognize the pain of a miscarriage (or even a still birth for that matter). But in my head there is something more tangible to grieve with a miscarriage. The pain is easier to explain. It seems people can understand the loss of a pregnancy more that the loss of something you never even had, even if they can’t truly empathize with either one.

Those were my very raw feelings at the time, I don’t want a dead baby anymore. In fact, for IVF #5 I definitely only want a live baby or no baby (but I do want to make it to transfer). For IVF #5 a dead baby would be a disaster. I have already given myself permission to stop doing IVFs if this one fails and a dead baby would seriously mess with that plan……….

Picking at Scabs

2009-12-02T17:52:00.004-06:00

Two years ago I didn't put up a Christmas tree. I just didn't feel like it after the miscarriage.

Last year I didn't put up a Christmas tree. I just didn't feel like it after my first cancelled IVF cycle.

This year...

It's beginning to look a bit like Christmas around here.

I didn't really have a choice about putting up the tree; family Christmas is at my house this year. However, I also found that I really wanted to put up the tree this year. In fact I was looking forward to celebrating Christmas minus raw feelings from some fertility related disaster. I was looking forward to celebrating Christmas with a nice healthy scab over those feelings.

When I was a little girl I was never very good at leaving scabs alone. I would pick at the edges on one side, then pick at the edges on the other side. I'd try to stop myself, but the pull of a scab waiting to be picked was just too strong. Sometimes I'd pick too much. I'd pick past the point of no return and I'd have to pull the whole thing off revealing the raw unhealed skin underneath.

As much as I've been enjoying my infertility scab, today I picked. Today I received the protocol for my February cycle. I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't ready for it. This cycle is sneaking up on me.

No more picking until after Christmas!

The Obvious Post for This Week*

2009-11-23T15:50:00.002-06:00

I am thankful that at this moment my marriage is strong. I am hesitant to say this because a marriage is such a fluid thing and “pride goeth before the fall” and all that. My marriage has always been strong. I am so grateful. What would the last three years have been like without a rock to lean on?

I am thankful that I am starting to come to terms with the idea of a life without children. I am even starting to find things to look forward to and enjoy in that life. I am still touched by sadness almost everyday, but the future does not look as grim as it once did.

I am thankful that I have the means to try for a baby one more time. I am still trying to muster the will, the excitement, and the hope. I am sure those things will come as plans are received, prescriptions are ordered, and tests begin. I am so grateful that I have the chance to do this again.

I am thankful that excluding my inability to conceive a child, I have an incredibly blessed life. I said this to a good friend of mine once and she told me, “Don’t qualify that statement. You have a blessed life, period.” I am still trying to get there, but in the meantime I am happy that I have a job, a family, a home, and a generally happy life.

I am thankful that Tony convinced me to get a dog. I really wanted us to be done with house pets. He was right though. We needed something to take care of and love. Right or wrong, I am obsessed with that puppy.

*Obvious if you live in the States. Thanksgiving is Thursday.

Dear Baby

2009-11-16T16:24:00.000-06:00

Dear Baby,

I complained about the drugs and the doctor’s appointments and the side effects. But I never really minded, because I knew it would lead to you.

I complained about the money spent and the shots and the stress. But I never really minded, because I knew it would lead to you.

I changed my lifestyle. I ate things I didn’t want to eat and didn’t eat things I wanted to eat. I went to acupuncture. I gave up vacations and promotions. I didn’t care. It was for you.

I always thought I would do whatever it takes to get you here; endure more invasive procedures, spend every penny I have, persevere through every disappointment.

I thought I would never stop.

But now I’m not so sure.

Admitting that I want to stop looking for you is one of the hardest things I’ve done. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like I must not have wanted you to begin with. It makes me feel like a failure.

I am used to being a warrior. I am used to fighting to the end.

So, Baby, we’ve decided to try one more time. Please come to me this time. I don’t want to make this decision again.

Love Always,
Your Mom

Totally Random

2009-11-13T07:17:00.002-06:00

You know those security words that you have to type when you leave a comment on someone's blog?

When I first started blogging I thought they were real words and that my vocabulary was really really bad.

Happy Friday!

You've Got To Be Kidding Me

2009-11-08T15:23:00.003-06:00

Friday night Tony and I ended up at the local version of mega national chain restaurant. This is not my favorite place. In fact, I have never had a good meal at this restaurant, not even by accident. But two or three times a year we end up eating there on lazy Friday nights when we don’t feel like driving. Inevitably the meal does not end in dessert, but in proclamations like, “We are never eating here again,” and, “why did we pick this place? Ugh, It’s the worst.”

I was sitting outside, electronic buzzer in hand, wondering why I was waiting fifteen to twenty minutes to eat crappy food and up walk mama, daddy and adorable little daughter to sit on the bench across from us. Mama hands baby off to daddy and proceeds to light a cigarette.

“You’ve got to be f-ing kidding me,” I thought to myself. “Here I am paying thousands of dollars to have the slimmest chance of having a baby and this woman is smoking a cigarette right beside her baby!?!”

OK, I have to be honest I didn’t think it. I said it under my breath, “You’ve got to be f-ing kidding me.” It just came out.

Alright, you caught me. I didn’t say it under my breath. I said it out loud. I said it loud enough for them to hear. Tony elbowed me in the side, but I didn’t care. She glared at me and I glared right back. I was pretty sure that my husband could beat up her husband. And I was really sure that I could kick her ass. Besides, Tony and I got nothing better to do on a Friday night than get into a fight outside mega national chain restaurant and go to jail…being childless and all.

Luckily our buzzer rang before it became an infertile vs. irresponsible breeder hair pulling match. To be fair to mama she was holding the cigarette down by her feet and blowing the smoke away from the baby because, ya know…that makes it OK.

And the food was bad. And we’re never going back. For sure this time.

The Colors of Infertility

2009-11-03T18:29:00.003-06:00

OK, so getting my period on Sunday night wasn't the whole story. I did a pregnancy test Friday on my way home from work.

I was feeling so tired, so put-my-head-on-the-desk-at-work-can't-drag-my-ass-out-of-bed-in-the-morning tired that I really thought that I might be pregnant. I didn't want to use a possible pregnancy as a reason to sit on my ass all weekend.

So I tested. And it was negative. And as I looked at the stark whiteness where a pink line should be I thought, "That would make an interesting paint color...'negative pregnancy test white.'"

Which made me wonder about the other colors of infertility:

Miscarriage Red

Pre-Natal Vitamin Urine Neon Yellow

Wheatgrass Green

Injection Bruise Blue

Menstrual Spotting Pink

On Sunday morning I figured out why I was so tired. I woke up with a terrible sore throat, a headache, and an achy body. I'm feeling much better now.

...Now I know all of you can come up with more colors...

Dirty Puppy

2009-11-01T20:32:00.004-06:00

Bo decided to play in the mud today.

And I got my period, earlier than expected.

I Think I'm Pregnant

2009-10-29T17:32:00.003-05:00

This thought has crossed my mind hundreds of times in the past two years.

If I'm tired...

I think I'm pregnant.

If I'm not hungry...

I think I'm pregnant.

If I'm peeing a lot...

I think I'm pregnant.

I have no idea why my brain (or is it my heart?) works this way, but once again I find myself keeping company with those familiar thoughts. When should I test? How and when should I tell people? I imagine emailing my RE and telling him to cancel my cycle because I'm pregnant. I imagine posting on this blog, "It's a miracle! It can happen! I'm pregnant." I pull my planner out of my purse and obsess over the handwritten cycle days. If this were a normal cycle I would be terribly late, but if this cycle is like the last one after IVF it is terribly early.

I think about nurseries.

I think about maternity leave.

I think about sitting in a rocking chair holding a baby in my arms.

Uh oh...now I have that excess-saliva-in-mouth-pre-throw-up feeling.

I think I'm pregnant.

But I'm not pregnant. Yes, it is technically possible, but highly improbable. It's just a little game I play every month. A game that never ends.

How can a thought make you so happy and so sad at the same time?

To Do or Not To Do

2009-10-28T07:00:00.000-05:00

Reasons to Do Another IVF (with my eggs)

1. It would be relatively cheap (just cost of meds @ ~$4k) compared to other options.
2. I’ve attempted four times, but really only made it all the way through once. Is it too soon to quit?
3. Still have just enough insurance coverage for one more try (see number one). Is this a sign?
4. Last time my cycle was so great (except for lack of pregnancy or baby), maybe we just had bad luck at the end?
5. I have always felt in my heart that it would take two tries. See number two.
6. One more chance to see if our child would end up with my red hair or Tony’s blonde hair.
7. It could work.

Reasons Not To Do Another IVF (with my eggs)

1. Save the four grand and apply it to a donor egg cycle.
2. Might not make it to retrieval (past experience indicates a 50% chance of not making it).
3. Might not make it to transfer (past experience indicates a 75% chance of not making it).
4. Every cycle is different and I might not stimulate as well in a future cycle.
5. All evidence points to the fact that Tony and I make crap embryos that can’t develop into fetuses; blighted ovum, cancelled transfer, no embryos to freeze, no chemical pregnancies or miscarriages for years.
6. Cycling has become very difficult emotionally. Can’t imagine how difficult it would be to cycle knowing that this would be the last time.
7. It could fail.

He's Not a Baby, But He's Our Baby

2009-10-24T21:59:00.004-05:00

...playing with photo editing this weekend...

Yes, he's on the sofa in these pictures. His will was stronger than mine.

It All Makes Sense When You're Drunk

2009-10-21T13:00:00.001-05:00

It’s been dark and rainy here for weeks. Phone calls to various family members scattered across the midwest have confirmed that the whole area is in a funk. However, when I left work after my WTP appointment the sun was shining (a sign?) and it was warm (a sign?) So I decided that Tony and I should take advantage of the change in weather and have dinner at our favorite outdoor restaurant.

I called home to tell Tony the good news, but he was already cooking dinner. Luckily I can always lure him away from being responsible with a restaurant dinner and alcohol. So he finished cooking dinner and put it into the refrigerator for another day.

I haven’t had a drop to drink since June. Before my last cycle I was abstaining in favor of “clean living”. After my cycle I have been treating my depression with food rather than alcohol, so the three glasses of wine I had with dinner made me rather drunk. The conditions were right for major life decision making.

Decision #1: We should do the immune tests (me) and hormone tests (him). If we did find out anything useful it would be just as useful for a donor egg cycle as an IVF cycle with my own eggs. Done.

Decision # 2: We may as well do another IVF cycle with my eggs since we are right on the IRS tax deduction bubble (a sign?) and we have just enough insurance money left to cover most of the cost (a sign?).

Decision #3: If decision #2 doesn't work out, we are done. We will live child free, move to a new house, travel, and retire early.

We ended the evening by driving around our favorite neighborhoods and picking out our future “child free living” houses making comments like, “That house is way too big,” and “Who cares if the street is busy, there won’t be any kids playing in the front yard.”

It all seemed so clear, so easy. Liquid courage.

In the sober light of morning everything was confusing again. My head was again swimming with options and scenarios and costs and success rates.

Maybe I should just stay drunk.

WTP Appointment

2009-10-19T15:36:00.002-05:00

I’m just back from my WTP appointment. No that’s not a typo, WTP = What’s the Point.

I’ve officially been admitted into the We-Don’t-Know-What-Went-Wrong-Everything-Looked-Great-On-Paper club. Initiation rites include your doctor telling you that he’s surprised to be having this conversation and then proceeding to tell you how everything went right before it all went wrong. And just in case you don’t get the picture…he even draws pictures.

Once I was fully initiated, we went on to the “next steps” portion of the program. My doctor doesn’t think there is a uterine issue. He thinks that even though the embryos looked great on paper, they must have been chromosomally abnormal. However, just to be thorough, tests for both hubby and me have been ordered in order to rule out immune issues (for me) and hormone tests to determine if sperm could be improved with meds (for him). Then the doctor who last time told me that diet and supplements would not help our chances suggested we both start taking antioxidants. (This is when I really started feeling like a hopeless case.)

Doctor seems to think we should try again. We are not so sure.

I inquired about donor eggs. We had a pretty lengthy discussion, but didn’t really learn anything new. Using donor eggs increases our chances. Duh.

I really don’t know what to say about our situation anymore. I can’t focus on it. I can’t post about it. I certainly can’t make any decisions. I’m mad. I feel like this:

http://ivf40pathtoparents.blogspot.com/2009/10/ivf3-de1.html

I too have options, but I don’t want them. I want any one of the things I’ve tried in the past year to have worked. I don’t want to try again, but I can’t quit. I’m frozen.

Being frozen is a comfortable and dangerous place to be. When you are frozen you can’t get hurt anymore, but you will also never get what you want.

Bo's Busy Weekend

2009-10-18T16:16:00.006-05:00

Bo has become quite the little treat whore. He is quite good at doing tricks in order to get treats from his mom (yes, we are *those* people and refer to each other as "mom" and "dad" when talking to Bo. I know lots of people do this, but it seems especially desperate and sad when you are infertile.)

Bo can sit.

and lay down.

But we are still perfecting commands like come, drop it, and don't eat my face.

On Saturday we took Bo downtown for his first trip to the dog bakery. He was quite the hit and everyone wanted to pet him. Bo picked out some peanut butter kitty cookies and lamb sausages. We were also planning on taking some funny Christmas card pictures, posing Bo on the various statues downtown, but there were too many people around and he couldn't focus.

There was a children's festival going on in the park. Normally I would have avoided such a festival, but I can't pass up an opportunity to socialize my puppy...so we went.

The "Life is Good" festival. (All evidence to the contrary.)

Bo rocking out to the music.

On Sunday Bo "helped" Tony with some yard work. We thought it was totally funny when Bo helped dig out some bulbs, until he kept digging and digging and digging.

Bo pulling out plants for the winter.

And taking off with mom's gardening glove.

Did I Just Learn Something in a Leadership Class?

2009-10-15T18:05:00.008-05:00

Change Management...

Who Moved My Cheese...

Circle of Influence...

If you work for a large corporation and you don't work in HR, odds are that I just made you cringe.

I'm writing this post after two days of corporate leadership training (indoctrination) meant to kick off a ten month development project. And to tell you how I almost cried.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to participate in this project. However, like everything I do these days, I'm happy with a touch of sadness.

When I was asked to participate in this project I was in the middle of IVF #4. Of course I calculated how a pregnancy would impact a ten month project. Of course I calculated that it would not be good to be on maternity leave just as the project was wrapping up. Of course I know better than to reject opportunities because I *might* get pregnant. Been there, done that, not doing it again.

So you might think the fact that I started this project still barren with no chance of maternity leave in the future almost made me cry.

Wrong.

The training started the way these things usually start; icebreakers. I listened as people talked about their kids; names, ages, how they struggle to prioritize their little ones ahead of their work. I lost count of how many times I answered, "no," when asked during breaks if I had children. So you might think that all this "kid" talk made me glassy eyed.

Wrong.

What brought me to tears was this...

This picture (recreated by me) on a PowerPoint slide almost brought me to tears. The lesson?

"You never know when there's an exit ramp in your future."

I almost lost it.

I pulled it together only to be hit with another PowerPoint slide. This time a quote.

"Failure is not an option, but quitting is."

I successfully fought back the tears.

But I started to wonder, am I learning about strategic thinking or is the universe trying to tell me something?

Mothers, Babies, and Feminism

2009-10-12T07:00:00.001-05:00

I know it’s cliché to blame your mother for your problems, but lately I’ve been doing just that.

My mother grew up in a small town in Iowa, graduated high school in 1969, and went off to junior college to study nothing in particular. In her words, “I went to college because I wasn’t engaged.” I imagine in 1969 women had more options than a decade earlier, but in a world before cable TV and the internet; culture changed much more slowly in an isolated town in Iowa than the rest of the world. She may as well have graduated high school in 1950.

So my mother continued attending her junior college and continued to not be engaged. She met and married my father at the age of nineteen. According to her, this was just in time. She was starting to become concerned that she would be an old maid.

Marriage transformed my mother from college student to housewife. Two years later she was transformed into mother. (What did she do as a housewife for two years with no children?) Five years after that she was transformed again into mother of a daughter. And finally, three years later, after a surprise baby that strained the family finances, she was transformed into a working mother of three.

This is who raised me; a working mother of three with a husband who still expected her to complete all duties of a housewife, a working mother of three who never finished college and was forced to work dead end jobs which were not intellectually challenging, a working mother of three who was quite bitter about her situation and determined that her daughters would not repeat her mistakes.

Instead of achieving her own hopes and dreams, my mother laid them at my feet and encouraged me to take them up. Marriage and motherhood were not goals to be achieved, but stumbling blocks to be avoided. I was never encouraged to have boyfriends. My mother used to say things like, “I could have [fill in blank] if I hadn’t had children so young,” or “If you decide to have children you’d better really be ready because there is no turning back.”

I was scared to get married. I was definitely scared to have children (and still am). My mother made it seem like an ending, not a beginning.

Despite her warnings I married my husband a couple weeks before my twenty eighth birthday and started trying to have children a month before I turned thirty; not terribly late in life by today’s standards.

But maybe it was already too late. Maybe if I had started earlier… Maybe…

My mother’s bitterness toward her choices influenced my choices, which have also left me bitter.

A work colleague once told me that she wished she had never gone to college. If she wasn’t successful in a career it would not make fiscal sense to send her children to daycare. She was bitter too.

My sister is approaching the age I was when I started this baby making (or no baby making) journey. She is in the thick of finishing her second master’s degree. I know she plans to have children in the future. I know she assumes as I did, that making a baby will be no problem. Sometimes I want to grab her and shake her and say, “I KNOW THE TIMING SUCKS, BUT YOU NEED TO GET STARTED!” But I don’t.

Why does it seem like fertility is at odds with feminism? I feel like there is all this pressure to achieve and succeed and gather up accomplishments, all the while assuming or hoping your fertility will be around when it is time to have a baby.

And if it isn’t?

If it isn’t society turns its nose up as if you should have known better. I’m sick of reading mainstream articles about infertility which subtly hint that it could all be avoided if women would just start having kids earlier (like in the good old days). OK. I get it. You are right. Fertility declines with age.

There is very little sympathy for the successful woman in her thirties or forties who cannot have children. We made a choice after all, a choice to wait. We shouldn’t expect to have our cake and eat it too.

So what if I had chosen to have children in my early twenties? Well, the father of my children would not be my husband. I didn’t meet my husband until I was twenty seven, an age at which my fertility was already declining. The father of my children would be a man who ended up cheating on me, getting someone else pregnant, and then wondering why I couldn’t empathize with his predicament. In my early twenties I had no idea how to be a mother. In my early twenties I had no idea how to take care of someone else. In my early twenties I could barely take care of myself; financially, emotionally, or physically.

If I had had children in my early twenties I would be my mother; unhappy, bitter, wishing I would have waited.

If I ever have a daughter will I tell her to hurry up and have babies or wait? I don’t know.

I guess you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. Sigh. Yet another post with no point, no answers, no neat summary.

IVF Anonymous

2009-10-09T06:50:00.002-05:00

EIGHTEEN QUESTIONS*

Did you ever lose time from work or school due to IVF?
Has IVF ever made your home life unhappy?
Did IVF affect your reputation?
Have you ever felt remorse after IVF?
Did IVF cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?
After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible to cycle again?
Did you often IVF cycle until your last dollar was gone?
Did you ever borrow to finance your IVF?
Have you ever sold anything to finance IVF?
Were you reluctant to use "IVF money" for normal expenditures?
Did IVF make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?
Did you ever cycled longer than you had planned?
Have you ever cycled to escape worry, trouble, boredom or loneliness?
Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance IVF?
Did IVF cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to cycle?
Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of IVF?
Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your IVF?

Most compulsive IVFers will answer yes to at least seven of these questions.

*adapted from a gambling addiction site as a (sort of) joke.

So Much To Say

2009-10-06T07:50:00.000-05:00

My head is constantly spinning lately. Focus is a luxury.

To my blogger friends: Sorry I haven’t been commenting much lately. I didn’t even touch the computer this weekend. Odd.

To my infertility forum friends: Same as above. I promise to get caught up.

Work: Has been extremely busy. A blessing in disguise. It is getting increasingly difficult to put on my (fake) “work attitude” each morning. I just want to come in, get it done and go home. No desire to have a positive attitude or show leadership. Several people have asked me what is wrong.

Home: I am unnaturally obsessed with my puppy. I tell him everyday how much I love him and when I am away from him, I miss him. Cleaned house this weekend. Haven’t really cleaned for two months.

Husband: We went to a concert on Sunday afternoon and I kissed him on the cheek. Realized I hadn’t done this in awhile, since apparently he has grown a beard. He’s still smoking and he’s on vacation from school this week (apparently educators need a week off after two months of work). ARRGGHH! I still wouldn’t do what he does though.

Family: I finally “came out” infertility wise with my family. It’s been interesting. My favorite aunt sent me a card. Just thinking about it makes me cry. BIG 80th birthday party for grandfather this weekend. (Twelve hours of driving) I am in charge of nametags which I haven’t started yet. It’s a small town shin dig with a band. Annoyed at wearing nametags as it will only encourage people to talk to me. (Unless you grew up in a small town you cannot fully appreciate the horror which will be my weekend.)

Infertility: Still have no idea what to do. Another IVF? Donor eggs? Childfree living? All are regularly seriously discussed around my household. Minds change daily. I spent $200 on supplements at WholeFoods this weekend and purchased a new thermometer. I have no idea why.

Something New: Couples counseling tonight. Husband is already being a poop about it. As a professional counselor he is hard to counsel. I guess I wouldn’t want someone else doing my books, so I can relate.

That’s it. Life goes on I guess…

Why Do We Hurt More For The Ones We Love?

2009-10-01T06:22:00.002-05:00

I wasn't born to be a mother. I am not a naturally nurturing and empathetic soul. Motherhood was not my heart's desire when I was a little girl. I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to be a politician. I wanted to be a professional cheerleader.

That doesn't mean that I wouldn't be a good mother. That doesn't mean that I don't have that desire for motherhood. However, I have to admit that after my transfer, when I saw the embryos flash into my uterus, my first thought was, "What have I done? Am I ready for this?" (Shortly followed by an elated Yes!)

Tony is different. Tony was born to be a father. Tony is a nurturer, a caregiver, a natural parent.

When I think about how unfair it is that Tony has been denied parenthood (once again) my heart literally hurts, tears well up in my eyes, and sometimes I can't breathe.

I don't know what our future holds, but I want to take this hurt away from my husband. I want to make it better for him. I want to make it better for me.

I just don't know how to do that...

Meet Bo

2009-09-29T05:00:00.002-05:00

With everything else going on, I forgot to make an announcement until the sight of Mo and Will's adorable puppy reminded me.

We got a puppy.

On the spur of the moment.

The day before my retrieval.

Start your psychoanalysis now.

He's a golden retriever and he's now thirteen weeks old. We were going to name him We'reReallyScaredThisCycleWon'tWorkAndWe'llNeedADistraction, but that doesn't really roll off the tongue.

Instead we named him Bo. We have now realized that Bo sounds a lot like, "No!" (a word we have been using alot.)

We already went to one puppy class where Bo peed AND pooped on the floor. When we were teaching the "come" command he proved himself to be a total "treat whore" running and jumping on other people as they were calling their dogs.

When I was crying on the floor yesterday he comforted me by sitting on my head and trying to eat my face. It's hard to cry when you are trying to not become permanently disfigured.

But on the other hand, when he gets scared, he runs and sits in my lap. When I come home from work he loves me to rub his belly. When I call him, he runs toward me at full speed. All in all he has been a good distraction.

So Mo and Will, if you have any tips for keeping Moxie off the furniture I'm ready to hear them because Bo has figured out how to get on the sofa.

It's Official

2009-09-28T11:37:00.000-05:00

Even though I failed the pregnancy test I still took my progesterone this weekend like a good girl.

Even though I started spotting last night I went to my blood draw this morning like a good girl.

When the phlebotomist that I hate called my name, I went willingly and I sat quietly as she dug the needle around in my arm…twice. Then I calmly asked for someone else to take my blood, thinking the whole time that I needn’t be here. It was all a formality, adding insult to injury.

You know the urban legend about the IVF cycle where the woman had a negative pregnancy test 8dp5dt, spotting one day later, and still ended up pregnant?

That’s not me.

My beta was negative.

Infertility has so many ways to tell you that you have failed; pee test, spotting, blood test, period. I’ve failed them all this cycle except getting my period which will surely come when I stop the progesterone. I can feel it building like water behind a dam seeking out a crack.

That little inextinguishable flame of hope always burns until the very end.

Lots of thoughts this weekend…

Lots of options discussed and debated…

Lots of plans made and abandoned to be replaced with new plans…

…which were then abandoned.

You know those letters people write to their past selves at eighteen or twenty or thirty? I could really use a letter from “future Megan”.

We are a bit lost right now. The only thing we know is that we need a break.

Tested

2009-09-26T04:37:00.003-05:00

Negative.

Hope got me again. I really thought things would be different this time.

I guess the only thing I can hope for now is divine intervention.

A Test Not Taken

2009-09-25T07:28:00.000-05:00

Today I am 7dp5dt. According to the Internet I could have peed on a stick today and possibly gotten a positive pregnancy test. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I am paralyzed. My fear that the test will be negative is greater than my desire to know the outcome of this cycle.

We did not end up being lucky enough to freeze any embryos. This concerns me. We have been so lucky at so many points in this cycle. What if the luck has run out?

Tony told me that he doesn’t think he can do another IVF cycle. I found out two days ago that he started smoking again during this cycle. He says it is to deal with the stress. Sure he might be caught up in the moment. He might change his mind about another cycle. Yes, if this cycle is negative I could probably persuade, beg, or nag him into doing another cycle, but is that ethical? If he has truly hit his limit is it right for me to try and force him to keep going? This could be it for us.

But the test could be positive.

But the test could be positive.

But the test could be positive.

If it is positive we would be so happy. This nightmare, this personal hell would be over. Everything we have gone through (the time, the money, the stress, and the tears) would be worth it.

This test is pass or fail. There is no in between. There is no “close enough”. I am nervous. I am scared. I am paralyzed.

I gave blood today. I will give blood again on Monday. They will call with the results after the Monday test. I could ask for today’s results, but I won’t.

Maybe I will test tomorrow.

Angels and Demons

2009-09-24T13:12:00.000-05:00

Picture a devil on one shoulder. "Test test test."

And an angel on the other shoulder. "Don't test. Wait until beta."

That's the sort of day I'm having.

Throw a headache in for good measure.

The Sleep Cure

2009-09-22T18:48:00.003-05:00

I read "Valley of the Dolls" when I was a freshman in high school. I had the book sitting on my desk in algebra class when my teacher walked by, saw it, and announced to the whole class, "In my day that book was considered pornography!"

I was mortified.

But I felt compelled to keep reading of course...

If you've not read "Valley of the Dolls" I'll fill you in. First, my teacher was misinformed. I do not find it terribly erotic. It's not like those books with the picture of a maiden with a torn bodice being held by Fabio on the cover. Think "Sex in the City" with less sex and lots of drugs.

At one point in the book, one of the characters needs to freshen up and loose a few pounds before she embarks on a new movie career. She goes to Switzerland for "the sleep cure". Basically she was sedated for several days until she was revived; well rested and several pounds lighter. Who knows if this ever really existed, but I was always intrigued by this idea.

I need the sleep cure right now. (While the progesterone is making me quite sleepy, it is not the same.) I need to be sedated for a few days only to be shaken awake while some nurse whispers in my ear, "It's all over, you're pregnant." Or at the very least, "We're sorry it didn't work, but you are ten pounds lighter."

What do you mean I'm not done yet?

2009-09-20T14:31:00.003-05:00

Everything I've done this cycle has been focused on making good eggs, praying for good embryos, making it to transfer. Done. Done. And Done.

What do you mean I'm not done yet?

I didn't allow myself to think ahead to this part, but yesterday it hit me...after all our successes this cycle, at this point, we still have only a slightly better than 50% chance of a positive pregnancy test.

*sigh*

So far I have had some pretty strong reactions to the progesterone. I'm tired. My boobs hurt. And yesterday, when I started Endometrin I got a nasty stomach ache and slight fever that kept me up most of the night. (The Endometrin insert says that this can happen, but still makes me nervous for my embryos.) The bottom line is that I am not going to be able to judge success based on pregnancy symptoms because I already got em.

It seems like infertility is like that old affirmation elementary school teachers love, "No one is good at everything, but everyone is good at something." Some of us make great eggs, but our uteruses leave a little to be desired. Some of us have great ovaries, but are dealing with some genetic condition. Some of us have no problem getting pregnant, but just can't seem to hold on.

I have crappy ovaries. Hubby has crappy sperm. I hope I am good at implanting and holding on to pregnancies. I hope this is my time to shine!

Finally!

2009-09-18T15:07:00.000-05:00

We transferred two "beautiful" blasts today.

The Official Day 3 Report

2009-09-17T15:48:00.000-05:00

Just got the official report on my embryos from the yesterday afternoon look-see.

1 8 cell grade 1 embryo
1 8 cell grade 2 embryo
1 7 cell grade 1 embryo
1 7 cell grade 2 embryo
1 5 cell grade 2 embryo
1 4 cell grade 2 embryo
1 3 cell grade 3 embryo

Hoping these little guys are still hanging in there and that I have a couple left for tomorrow.

Book or a Toy?

2009-09-16T10:00:00.000-05:00

"Book or a toy
Book or a toy
Only gonna buy one thing.
But I'll try for two
If I can
And drive my mother to the insane asylum"

This is a song we sing in my family. My aunt made it up. When my older brother was little and would go shopping with my mom he would have to chose between buying a book or buying a toy. He couldn't have both. He had to chose. (Which tells you a lot about my brother. By the time I was born, the "book or a toy" shopping policy had been suspended.)

Book or a toy. A difficult choice for a kid. Books are good. Toys are good. A book AND a toy would be heaven, but not an option. Can't have both. But really, how can you go wrong either way. Either way you WILL END UP with a BOOK or a TOY!

Day 3 or day 5? I really hope this is a "book or a toy" decision. I hope this is not a decision with a good choice and a bad choice. I hope this is not a decision with a right choice and a wrong choice. I hope this is a decision where you can't go wrong either way...

[Let me break here and just express how overjoyed I am to HAVE A DECISION TO MAKE!]

It is a difficult decision. We do not have official charting on our embryos since they looked at them early especially for me, but we have four "very nice embryos". We will get official stats later today. My RE suggests that we wait. He believes very strongly in the "if they don't make it to five they are probably not good" theory. He would only do a three at my request. He does not suggest a three. (Does that mean I can blame him when it all goes wrong?)

We have decided to wait until Friday for a five day transfer.

I have to go vomit now.

Embie Update

2009-09-15T08:20:00.000-05:00

I got an email late yesterday afternoon. All seven embies are still going strong.

My RE definately wants to wait until day 3 and see what's doing.

I sent an email this morning saying that if several look really really good that I might be open to waiting until day 5.

I really can't believe this. I can't wait to see what they are doing today.

I am so cautiously optimistic I could explode!

Fertilization Report

2009-09-14T15:49:00.002-05:00

Tony got the call as I had meetings all afternoon.

I just got an email back confirming what hubby told me and getting more information. (Sometimes husbands are not reliable sources of information...especially ones who refer to embryo implantation rather than embryo transfer).

The report. Seven of the nine were mature. Seven of the seven fertilized and were characterized as "good fert". (Last time four of five fertilized, but only two were "good fert".)

I am thrilled once again!

So now, I am going to throw some options out into the blogosphere and hope you guys can help me make some decisions.

[Now that I've typed this, it seems pretty long. Please bear with me...I need some opinions.]

The Background: I pretty much have to be at work on Thursday. (OK, I know I don't HAVE to be at work, but I have to...one of those things...something will be happening in the department, and as the manager I should be there). I am just sick that I am even considering work at this time, but I've been disappointed so many times that it gets harder and harder to put your life on hold for IVF.

RE and I agreed to do a three day transfer when this work situation came up under the assumption that we would have few eggs and that quality might suck like last time. (Why wait for a five day to see which ones are the best when you have so few?)

In the meantime my retrieval kept getting pushed back so that now a 3 day transfer would be Wednesday and a 5 day transfer would be Friday. (We had assumed that a 3 day transfer would be Tuesday and a 5 day transfer would be Thursday).

So here are my options:

Option 1: Do a two day transfer tomorrow and get a full 24 hours bed rest on Wednesday before walking into a shit storm at work on Thursday.

Pros: Bedrest. More time for embies to settle in before emotional turmoil. RE doesn't seem to think a 2 day vs. a 3 day is a big deal.
Cons: Might be hard to choose best embryos. I'm unclear if two day transfer will affect results outside of better embryo selection. (i.e. if I transfered the same embryos on day 3 would I have a better chance?)

Option 2: Do a three day transfer and have about 12 hours of bedrest (keeping in mind the most physical thing I do at work is walk).

Pros: Perhaps better embryo selection. Don't have to worry that selfish work concerns affected results.
Cons: Reduced bedrest and stressful day less than 24 hours after transfer.

Option 3: Wait and see if there is anything to transfer on Day 5.

Pros: Transfer happens after shitstorm. Better embryo selection. All the other good things that a five day transfer entails.
Cons: Might have nothing to transfer again, go insane and end up in nuthouse.

What would you do? Talk about mixed emotions...I'm so happy and frustrated that I have this problem.

Nine!

2009-09-13T19:58:00.003-05:00

We got nine eggs. I can't imagine that they are all mature, but I was too scared to ask.

Please let there be a good one in there.

Even More Adventures of Mature Eggs

2009-09-11T01:00:00.000-05:00

Phew!

2009-09-10T15:14:00.001-05:00

It's been a rough week, but I am officially on the retrieval schedule for Sunday.

My RE is hoping for five eggs. (I'm very happy with this number!)

We are sacrificing one gigantic lead follicle on the left, but the others are still growing. It looks like I might even get a couple on the right.

Thanks, yet again for all the support!

Break Down

2009-09-08T19:59:00.002-05:00

Today we had our cycle day 9 ultrasound. Our RE is hoping to get 3 or 4 eggs out of the left ovary. The right ovary is not responding well at all.

I don't know what we were expecting, but I know we were hoping for something better than this. This feels like deja vu. This feels like last cycle. We have made so many changes and our results are the same.

Tonight while Tony was giving me my shots he told me about a very mentally challenged girl in his school. Each day she gets a certain amount of "rocking time" and today he happened to be in her classroom and was the one to rock her. I started crying. I told him that I was sorry that we were going through this. I told him that he would make a great dad.

Then he started crying.

Then I started crying more because he was crying, and I've only rarely seen him cry.

I don't know how many more cycles we have left in us. This is too hard.

A Note from My Ovaries

2009-09-04T08:28:00.001-05:00

Hey Megs. Whatz up! Weez just chillin in your body. Love the drugs. That’s sum good shit. We’ve been tweekin all night cookin some follies! I know you don’t feelz nothing yet. But, no worries. We are doin just what you we are supposed to do.

Expect good news on Tuez-day!!!

Wouldn’t it be nice if your ovaries checked in with you more often???

Wouldn't It Be Perfect?

2009-09-03T10:21:00.000-05:00

Wouldn’t it be perfect if this IVF cycle worked?

Wouldn’t it be perfect if I could go to my grandfather’s eightieth birthday party in October and face my newly pregnant cousin and all of her congratulations? I wouldn’t be ready to announce my own pregnancy, but I would have a secret.

Wouldn’t it be perfect if I could start saving and planning for nurseries and college funds again rather than wondering how much longer I can continue paying for fertility drugs and medical expenses.

Wouldn’t it be perfect if I could announce my pregnancy at Christmas time and actually enjoy the holidays, decorate my home, and put up the Christmas tree (something I haven’t felt like doing for the past two years)?

Wouldn’t it be perfect if this all ended with a baby? I could start working to repair my soul. I could feel happy again. I could move on to the next phase of my life.

Wouldn’t it be perfect that the baby would be born at the beginning of June when Tony would be on school break? We would have three wonderful, beautiful months together learning how to be a new family.

It would be so perfect I could just scream.

waiting

2009-09-02T07:11:00.002-05:00

Everyday since I received my IVF calendar I spend about thirty seconds staring at it. OK, I really do this two or three or sometimes four times a day.

Sometimes I'm checking to make sure that I have taken all of my medicine.

Sometimes I am counting days until the next appointment.

Sometimes I am counting days until the next new medicine.

Sometimes I am seeing how far I have come.

All little ways to pass the time. All little ways to count out the hours, days, and weeks spent waiting.

and waiting...

and waiting...

The last few weeks have really gone pretty quickly. I've found myself saying, "It's already time to start shots! My period is already here! It's already time for my baseline ultrasound!"

But this week has been different. This week has been incredibly slow. This week has been incredibly long. It's only Wednesday! So odd, because this week has been the most action filled week to date!

Maybe this week seems slower because work has slowed down a bit. Maybe this week seems slower because I have had a raging headache ever since I started the estrogen suppositories. Maybe this week seems slower because the action has started and I can't wait to see what my ovaries are doing.

With all the drugs they give you for IVF, why can't they give you one that makes time move faster?

W A I T I N G
S U C K S ! ! !

Snake Oil Wanted

2009-08-31T06:54:00.002-05:00

Thanks for all the well wishes on my AFC.

Tomorrow I start stims.

I am looking for any and all TCM practices, hollistic advice, and old wives tales regarding getting follicles to grow and quality eggs to develop.

Diet advice?

How do we feel about exercise? I am thinking only walking...don't over exert myself.

Are hot baths taboo?

I'm stopping the wheatgrass while stimming...how do we feel about that?

Of course I will be meditating each day...

And continuing acupuncture.

Anything else? Anything? All crazy suggestions will be appreciated and probably followed!

Baseline Day

2009-08-28T12:07:00.002-05:00

Tony and I are huge "Top Chef" fans. The start of the new season inspired Tony to make a reservation for tonight at a really fancy restaurant.

I had reservations about the reservation with today being baseline ultrasound day and all. Would I feel like being out in public?

Luckily we have something to celebrate. AFC was five on the left and five on the right. That's ten total! That's more than last time!

We are both thrilled!

I'm going to party tonight.*

*As much as someone who is abstaining from alcohol, caffeine, and trying to follow a special diet can party.