Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Money Makes the World Go Round

We're broke.

OK, we're not totally broke. We still have jobs. We still pay the bills. After spending tens of thousands of dollars on infertility tests, treatments, and prescriptions over the past two years we have very little savings left.

Yes, we are on an extended (maybe forever) break from treatments. Yes, even if we had the money we would not be in treatment right now, but quite frankly even if we wanted to cycle we couldn't afford it. The well is dry. The money tree has been shoke (shooken? shaked?) to within an inch of its life.

BUT...despite our dire financial situation, we want to live. We want to do some of the things that we have been putting off. We want to travel. We want to buy stuff. We want to have fun.

BUT...I still have a nagging thought, a little voice telling me that if this desire to have a child is still with me in a year then I may want to have the option to try donor eggs. That option requires some major savings and I just don't feel like it right now.

So right now I'm spending. I'm buying new toys. And I'll worry about saving for tomorrow later.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Back in the Stirrups

No, don't spit out your Sunday afternoon margarita. No IUI, no IVF, just a regular well woman exam with an extra discussion regarding my missing period (cycle day 60+ since my post failed IVF bleed). Am I the only one who has Sunday afternoon margaritas?

I've been away from my regular OBGYN long enough that she has had time to drop my insurance and pick it up again. I was really excited to "graduate" from my RE (even without the eight week old heart beating fetus in my belly that most graduates have). Another step back toward normal world.

But things didn't go as planned...

It all started down hill when the nurse insisted on a pregnancy test since I haven't had my period for sixty-plus days. She asked me if I had tested at home. I answered, "Nope." She asked if there was a chance I was pregnant. I answered, "Nope." She asked if I was using birth control. I answered, "Nope."

I could tell that she was getting excited at the opportunity to be the one to tell me that I was pregnant. So I broke the bad news to her, "I've done five IVFs and I've only had sex with my husband once in the last sixty days, so I'm sure I'm not pregnant."

I could tell she was disappointed. She hung her head and said, "Well, the doctor would have wanted me to test anyway." The test was never mentioned again. I assume it was negative.

I had to relay and relive my whole history of infertility with the doctor like two college girls catching up. I started to cry. This is not how I wanted this visit to go.

After all the boob checking and pap smearing we got around to talking about my absent period. I told her about my high FSH. She asked if I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure and I answered, "Yes." I'm not sure why I answered this way. I've never actually been told that I have POF. I'm not ready to open my medical records that I requested be mailed to me by my RE. Actually, no one has really said what is wrong with me besides the fact that I have high FSH and crap eggs. But based on my affirmative answer my doctor dropped a bomb.

"If you have POF you probably won't get your period anymore. I'll give you some Provera, but I want you to do some blood work before you take it."

Really? I always had normal periods. Yes, I had to take Provera to start my period before this last cycle, but I just figured I was messed up due to all the meds. Her prediction really bothered me. No period = no hope what so ever. Does no period mean that donor eggs is not even an option for me in the future? Does no period mean that I'm old and dried up at thirty two?

And so I wait. I wait for blood work (which I haven't given yet.) I wait for Provera to induce a period. I wait for another period that may never come. I wait for answers to questions that I had no idea would even apply to me.


On a happier note I have been busy crafting the last few weeks and have decided to revive my other blog. Check it out if you have an interest in crafty things...

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I'm going to admit that I have been scammed by the Internet. I've given money to infertility treatment funds only to find later that those treatments never took place. So I don't take this post lightly, but I believe in this story.

I have been reading Bonnie's blog since I started blogging, back when she was "the angry one". We have IVF cycled together. We have been cancelled together. We have failed together. I read her new blog with envy as she inched closer and closer to taking home a baby through domestic adoption. I was devastated when that adoption fell through. Bonnie's raw and honest emotions that she shared with all of us during that time really touched me. I felt her pain.

Bonnie is a survivor...she is tenacious...and she is determined to be a mother.

Bonnie is currently trying to raise money in order to bring her daughter home from Africa.

Please visit her blog and enter her adoption raffle. For just $5 you can enter to win an iPod touch (which is a pretty awesome thing in my book since my current iPod is the first iPod ever made that was given to me by my sister). But don't feel like you have to stop there, every $5 earns you another iPod touch raffle entry. Entries stop May 2nd at noon.

***Bonnie, I wish you all the luck in the world with your fundraising and your new daughter. Please do not enter me in the raffle for this blog post. This blog post comes from my heart. However, I will be making my donation/entry today because I WANT THAT iPOD!!!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Two Infertiles Dancing

Walking toward each other in the office hallway I see you and you see me.

You know that I am infertile and I know that you are too.

You know that I don't have a baby and I know that you do.

You don't know if I am still trying...
You don't know if I might be pregnant right now...
You don't know if I'm waiting to find out if I'm pregnant right now...
You don't know the lengths I've gone to in order to catch up with you...

You know that you shouldn't talk about your baby, but you wish I would ask.

I know that I should ask, but I wish you wouldn't talk about your baby.

I've avoided your department because of you.
I've avoided the cafeteria because of you.

And so we dance down the hall, each step bringing us closer to an uncomfortable conversation.

Until I shout out a, "Hi!" and duck around the corner, never so happy to rush into a training class.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Outside of Myself

Most articles I read about Child Free Living After Infertility (CFLAI?) propose that you can still have children in your life and feel fulfilled. Usually the idea is that becoming involved with nieces or nephews or children of friends will be a salve for all your barren wounds. I have to admit that idea is a little too Pollyanna for me right now. I can't imagine a niece or a nephew or a friend's child making me feel any better about my situation. Of course I have no nieces or nephews and I have pretty much cut off contact with fertile friends by this point, so who knows.

Tony has a favorite student at school, a special needs girl named K. K is severely disabled. She can't speak, uses a wheelchair, and no one knows how much she understands. Tony takes time out of his day to rock her or takes her outside for a walk to watch the kids playing in gym class. She smiles when she hears the sound of his voice.

Tony has been asking me to sew something for her, so this weekend I made her a bag. I've made a few of these for friends and family. They are the size and shape of those reusable shopping bags that I seem to grab for time and again whenever I have to tote anything from here to there.

I don't know if it was the sewing or if all those articles are on to something, but making this bag felt good*.

*or I just wanted to show off a new bag I made.

Friday, April 2, 2010

If it weren't for bad luck...

On Monday our sump pump stopped working...$400.

On Thursday we received an unexpected bill from the last cycle...$900.

All week our accounting systems have been royally screwed up during period end close and people have been yelling at me for things that are totally beyond my control.

And then today...today was the best. Tony has been parking in the driveway because half the garage is filled with overflow from the house decluttering. TODAY I HIT TONY'S CAR WITH MY CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I'm starting to think that the universe owes me something.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. My office decides to adopt flex time and my boss acutally lets me take advantage of it by working four days a week.

2. We get a reasonable offer on the house.

3. I win a free vacation to somewhere tropical.

(Notice I did not list "surprise pregnancy". That just seems too far out of the realm of possibility.)

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Is it the weekend yet?
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